Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Vic's POV

I don't know what happened.

One moment it's okay, it had been okay for a few days. With Kellin serving as a distraction, I hadn't the chance to self harm. Not many chances to allow thoughts to boil up.

But then Kellin steps out. He said he had to go somewhere, meet a friend, for a few hours. I told him okay, that I'd be okay. And he believed me. I believed me.

But the moment he walked out the door I felt like something just flew off me. Something I needed on me. Something that prevented me from letting the emotions and thoughts free. I felt free, yet trapped at the same time.

And I broke.

I went through my small, makeshift liquor cabinet. I had a half draken bottle of vodka and scotch.

"We can make do with this," I said, holding the two bottles up. I had a smile on, a self-sadistic, 'I'm about to fuck myself up even more but I'm happy about it', smile. I wasn't okay; and I was okay with that.

I chugged the vodka. Or maybe I had a bit of the scotch first. It's all a blur at this point. All I know is eventually I was drunk

I wrote, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I wrote whatever my drunken hand could scribble down. It was meant to be that "trying to be deep but it's really just stupid" kinda thing. God knew what I actually wrote down, maybe it was just "penis" over and over. Or maybe lyrics.

Then it really got bad.

I had gone to my liquor cabinet to prevent this, but it didn't stop much. My mind continued to hurl thoughts at me. Maybe I had sobered up a bit, and that caused it, or maybe my mind just didn't care how intoxicated I was and desperate to avoid it.

I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to get better. But I couldn't say it, there was still this stubborn part of me that wouldn't allow it.

You like the pain. You don't know what life is like without it at this point and the only way out is death, but you're too scared to go there. And maybe it makes him right, that you're attention-seeking, but it's who you are.

I wanted it to stop, I wanted to be better. To stop the lies, to have the luxury of wearing short sleeves without a jacket, to stop worrying Mike. But I didn't, all the same.

At some point, Kellin came in.

"Vic? Holy shit- What did you do?" He asked in a panic, rushing to me.

I wanted to respond, "What does it look like? I got drunk." But it came out as slurs.

"God damn it Vic." Kellin took the bottle of scotch from my hand and carried me onto the bed, as I had apparently been on the floor. At some point he might've rolled up my sleeves to check, and yes, there were some new ones, but by the time I'd made them I was intoxicated and they were sloppy.

"I want.. it to stop," I whispered, finally allowing tears to fall.

"Shh." Kellin held my hand, moving the hair from my face and looking me in the eyes. "I'm here okay?" He kissed my forehead and got in bed beside me.

"I'm scared Kellin. I want to die.. but I'm too scared," I whispered into his chest.

He pulled me close. "Shh, sleep. It's okay. We'll talk about this in the morning."

I fell asleep in his arms for maybe the third or fourth time he'd been over. But I let it happen, because I needed someone who wouldn't tell me to be normal.

— — —

Kellin's POV
(During Vic's.. idfk ^^)

I left Vic's apartment and drove to Justin's. He said he was throwing a party, and I hadn't attended one of those since I'd met Vic. I'd put so much time into talking to him, making sure he was okay, I hadn't been hooking up with people nearly every night as I did normally.

We'd cuddled. He fell asleep on my chest. Sure, I've done more intimate things than that, and I shouldn't be bothered, but it's so.. relationship like. I don't do relationships, as I've said god knows how many times. Vic is just a friend I'm taking care of for the time being. Does he consider me a friend? I hope he doesn't consider me anything more, I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is. But if he does consider me anything more than a concerned friend, he should remember I'm just the college fuckboy.

I sighed and reached Justin's, shaking the thoughts from my head.

"Hey!" Justin greeted me when I walked inside.

"Hey man, what's up?" I asked.

"Nothin' much, where you been? Haven't seen you recently."

"Oh uh, just hanging out with some old friends."

Justin nodded. "Well come on dude! Let's go!" He handed me a beer and walked off, talking with some other friends.

I chuckled and walked on to dance, and eventually flirt with a few guys until I managed one with the same intentions. He took me back to his place (after I made sure he wasn't a murderer, of course), and you can easily imagine the rest.

"Thanks for the fun night," I breathed when we'd finished, us both a panting mess.

"No problem," He said in his British accent, pushing a strand of hair from my eye, "Stay the night?"

I opened my mouth to say yes, but paused, remembering Vic. I smiled, "I would, but I have to check on a friend." I leaned down at kissed his cheek. "Thanks though, again. I had a great time."

"Here." he handed me a piece of paper.

"What, is this your number, loverboy?" I asked.

He shrugged. "If you ever get.. lonely. I'll be around."

"Okay, I'll see." I got up and tripped into my clothes, grabbing my keys and getting in my car. I drove back home in a state of mild euphoria at the previous events. I hadn't done that in awhile, and now I had the boys number. I'd just check on Vic-

When I walked in the house Vic was on the floor, a bottle of what I assumed to be scotch in his hands nearly empty. He was staring at the ceiling, mumbling something.

"Vic? Holy shit- What did you do?" I asked, rushing to him.

When he opened his mouth to respond, all that came out was inaudible slurs and gurgles.

"God damn it, Vic," I mumbled under my breath as I helped him onto the bed.

"I want it.. to stop," he said in a broken whisper when he was on the bed. Tears began to escape his eyes and grabbed his hand, shushing him.

I got onto the bed and pulled him next to me, telling him it would be okay; we'd talk about it in the morning.

I just wanted him to be okay.

Writing fan fiction at 1:30 am.. on the toilet.. after writing a gay fairy tale story with your friend all night.

Well uh if you're awake at the same hour as me, please sleepe. It is needed for hygiene. Or health. Same difference

Oh no footsteps please don't kill me ghost of Christmas past-

*Cough* well stay salty,

~ISweepy (/¯◡ ‿ ◡)/¯ ~ ┻━┻