Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

What You've Done

I hated getting this way over a boy.

A boy that made me wanna get better. But I guess all good things come to an end. It's nothing new to me. Everything seemed to get better but then something happened and everything fell apart again.

How long had I been clean? I lost track. I heard somewhere that was a good thing, and I guess it was. But it wouldn't last long.

I pulled them out, the shiny objects I'd bought at the store. I didn't want to do this over a boy, the same boy who'd gotten me to stop. So I wasn't doing it over Kellin, I was doing it because I missed it. Because what was the point of trying to stop, anyways? I didn't have any life plans. I was scrapping through college, barely putting an effort, and for a long time I didn't think I'd make it to fifteen. I did, but back then I had Ronnie, and then I had Harley, but what did I have now? Kellin, yeah, sure I did now. Mike had Tony, Jaime would barely give a shit. And after the party he probably saw me as some maniac, which maybe I was.

So I was doing it because there was nothing to not do it for. Hell, maybe there wasn't anything to live for anymore. Maybe I could just..

Or I could wait it out. I wanted to see Mike graduate, and Jaime find "the one" he always spoke of; he was such a romantic.

Maybe I would. I'd see how far I can go. I'd plan it more, I kinda want it to be perfect in a sense. A nice, calming, memorable spot. Twelve AM, perfect time. On a Friday, maybe.

So at the moment, all I could do was supply as much pain as I could to take it away. It never actually did much, or helped in any way, but it was just an addicting feeling.

I didn't know where I was. I had just ran, ran from nothing really, for no reason. The area was secluded, at least, and I could do what I enjoyed most.

I made one, I made two, and soon enough I lost count. I didn't plan on making many, and I hadn't, until I felt the sting on my arms, and I made more. I wanted more, I didn't want the sting to end.

Maybe I was bleeding out, or maybe I was just exhausted. Either way, I felt myself dozing off until I jerked awake from the sound of my ringtone.

"Jaime?" I asked groggily.

"Where are you man? Kellin called, he's worried." I heard whispering and footsteps in the background, Jaime whispering to someone.

I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. "I um, don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I started walking without thinking and I'm sitting at the back of some store," I mumbled.

"What store? We'll come pick you up."

"Um, hold on." I stood up shakily, rolling my sleeves down and grabbing my things. I walked to the front of the store, where the sign read Gideon's Bar.

"Gideon's bar," I answered.

Jaime grunted. "I know where that is, hang tight."

Within a few minutes, I saw Jaime's familiar grey car pull up. He waved me over, and I got in quickly, shuddering at the change of tempature.

"What were you doing?" Jaime asked, glancing at me from the driver's seat.

I shrugged. "Went for a walk, got lost." I crossed my arms over my chest almost protectively, trying to keep warm. I don't know why I was so cold, the car was warm and there wasn't much a breeze outside, just a little fall weather.

"You okay man?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." I nodded.

"The party awhile ago," Jaime started.

I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry."

"I know that, I was just gonna ask you about where you went afterwards."

"Oh." I was silent a minute. "Um, just walked around. Kellin found me and took me home."

Jaime sighed. "You know, if anything's up, you can talk to me." He bit his lip, glancing at me worriedly.

I turned and looked out the window, resting my chin on my palm. "Yeah, I know. Of course."

Jaime nodded, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. I waved him goodbye and slowly went inside my apartment, frowning at the sight of Kellin pacing nervously.

"Vic, oh my god, you're home," he breathed when he saw me, pulling me into a hug. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led you on like that."

"Its fine, can you just let me go?"

He nodded, pulling away. "Of course, of course. How are you?" He was looking me up and down, either checking me out or making sure I was alright; maybe both.

"Tired," I shrugged.

"Okay, um, take a nap. I'll make us some lunch," Kellin mumbled.

"Not hungry," I said as I climbed into bed, kicking off my shoes but not bothering to change out of my jeans and hoodie.

"If you're sure." Kellin frowned. "I can make you something small-"

"Its fine, Kellin. Just.." I wanted to ask him to lay next to me, I wanted his comfort. "C-Can you.."

"Can I what?"

"Nothing, never mind," I whispered, and snuggled into my blankets, even if they weren't as comfy as Kellin.

"Okay, I'll make myself some lunch. You get some rest." He kissed my temple, and although my heart fluttered, I knew it had to be platonic, him being concerned for my well-being but not wanting a relationship with me. Who would, anyways?

"Goodnight.."

~_~_~_~

Owie my heels

Hehe well this has been fun
wOrK tImE