Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

I'll Try

Vic's POV

I woke up with, yet another, hangover. This time, Kellin was in my arms. My stomach was sore, and my cheek stung.

"Mm.. Kellin?" I grumbled.

"Morning Vic," Kellin whispered. He didn't look up from his position though, cuddling deeper into my chest. "Can we sleep in?"

I chuckled. "I have things to do."

He looked up at me, confused. But his eyes were half closed from tiredness, making him squint, and his black hair flung everywhere. It was adorable. "What things?"

"Classes."

He shook his head, falling back onto my chest. "You're comfy and.. lying."

"I think you're just saying I'm lying so I can continue to be your pillow."

"Shh."

I smiled down at the sleeping mess, but made him get off me so I could get to my classes.

"I love you buddy, but I have an education."

We both paused.

"I-I mean, li-like, as a friend," I stuttered out quickly.

Kellin chuckled, grabbing his blankets and pulling them over himself. "I'm going back to bed."

I nodded. "Okay princess." I grabbed my things and my shoes and headed out the door. As I reached the campus, I felt the stinging in my stomach and cheek really settle in; but I wasn't bothered. In fact, I liked it. A dull sting I craved. It was then I remembered how long it long it had been since I'd cut. Really only a day, but it had only been the smallest of cuts, and I craved it so bad.

"Self sadistic delights in the dark shade of the night." I'd seen it somewhere, I think a friend wrote it. I don't know what happened to her, I met her through Ronnie.

But now here I was, anxiously sitting in class trying to write notes. The urge was usually resistable, I could do it. I told myself after class, between passing times, but instead I raised my hand.

"Can I use the bathroom?"

Jaime, who sat next to me, gave me a look. I never used the bathroom during class; I didn't like talking to teachers out of fear, and it became a task by middle school where you had to fill out the "electronic pass". By now it was just habit I wait it out.

"Of course, take the pass," the teacher nodded.

I stood quickly, my black pouch shoved in the stomach pocket of my hoodie. I grabbed the pass beside the door on my way out and rushed to the bathroom.

It was quick and sweet, I stared at them longingly, waiting for the blood to come out. Some barely bled, others were more willing; earning a smile from me.

Once I started, though, I couldn't stop. I had to laugh at myself, at one point. I'm (technically) still a teenager self harming in the school bathroom, the cliches never stop for me.

At whatever point, someone walked in. I shoved my scissors back in the pouch, and the pouch in my hoodie, and stood to leave.

"Vic?" A familiar voice asked.

I rolled down my sleeves and flushed the toilet, walking out to see Kellin who smiled at the sight of me.

"I recognized those run down shoes anywhere," he said.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "'Course you did." I walked to the sink to wash my hands, hoping Kellin would use the bathroom and I could go back to class; I wasn't interested in conversation at the moment, especially what Kellin brought up next.

"Whats that in your pocket?" He asked, pointing.

"Nothing," I responded quickly, dying my hands and preparing to leave, but Kellin gripped my wrist.

"Vic." His voice was lathered with disappointment and knowing.

I bit my lip and turned to face him, adding a smile. "That's my name, don't wear it out."

His face held no smile, though. Only seriousness while he nodded to my arm. "Let me see."

I couldn't say no, because he rolled them up himself with a sigh at the damage.

"Come on, why?" He asked me.

"Because, god damn it! Its not that easy! You get addicted to something and try to stop, see how it is!" I hissed.

"I-I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy."

I sighed, pulling my arm back. "Its fine. I just get angry when people think its that easy. I get it, if you're disappointed, but you can't expect me to do it for so long and then stop for the rest of my life on my first try."

"I'm not disappointed, and now that you say it to me I'll try and do that," Kellin promised, extending his arms for a hug that I fell into.

"Just try, for me, okay?" He asked, brushing my hair soothingly.

I nodded. "I'll try."

And maybe this time I wasn't lying.

It's shorter than I prefer but it's all I'm doing for now
I'll write like all night anyways; my friend stayed up longer than the time stamp we set on school nights so I have the privilege hehehe

so uh y e a h