My Greatest Downfall (Published under Summit Media)

MGD 43 - Unending Sorrow

MGD 43 — Unending Sorrows

Trish

I was on the peak of crying, walang mapaglagyan ang mga luha ko na pruweba kung gaano ako nasira ngayon. I was holding their hands. My hands was entwined with Terrence as Tristan was on my chest, hindi ko alam kung paano ko matatanggap ang lahat. Nakasandal ako sa puno habang nasa pagitan ng hita ko si Tristan. Nasa tabi ko si Terrence habang hawak hawak ko ang kamay n'ya. It was still warm as Tristan. Hindi ko matanggap na iniwan na nila ako.

I was on my deep thoughts and I really don't know what to do. My brain was disfunctional at the moment. Parang hindi ako makapag-isip ng matino. "Both of you left me alone.." I whispered, hindi ko rin mapagilan ang sarili ko para hindi humikbi.

Seeing these two guys who were willing to sacrifice their lives for me makes me want to kill myself. I wasn't on my mind but I really want to kill myself at the moment.

I was the reason behind this.

If it's not because of me. They might be still alive and breathing..

I shook my head many times as I burst out crying again. Ang akala ko wala na akong mailalabas na luha ang mga mata ko. Halos tumabing na ang magulo kong buhok sa mukha ko. "Sorry, but I need to die to. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko.." I apologized and a tear fall from my eyes.

My mind was pre-occupied with many thoughts. Of many what if's. Paano kung hindi ako iniligtas ni Terrence at Tristan? Edi sana ako na lang ang napahamak. I know that they said, na wala dapat na sisihin pero hindi ko mapigilang hindi sisihin ang sarili ko. Yeah, I was such a failure. 

Kinuha ko ang baril na gamit ko kanina at itinutok ko sa sintido ko, "Until the end, I am such a failure.." malapit ko na s'yang iputok sa sintido ko noong may umagaw dito.

"I'm so sorry, P—papa..." I cried as he looked at me sympathetically, nabitiwan ko ang baril and my hands were shaking, suddenly he hugged me. It was so comforting at iyak lang ako ng iyak sa balikat n'ya. "Papa, Tristan died because of me. I really want to kill myself.." I said, sobbing.

Hinimas himas n'ya ang likod ko hanggang kumalma ako, "N-no, don't say that.." he said and gently squeezed my hand.

He diverted his gaze to those bodies beside me and he landed his gaze to his son, "Prince.." a tear fall from his eyes at hindi ko mapigilan na hindi maiyak. Hinawakan n'ya ang mukha ni Tristan habang nanginginig ang mga kamay n'ya, "Prince!!!" he summoned, niyakap n'ya si Tristan habang ako naman ay humagulgol lang. "Why did you leave us?!!!" he said as he cry harder. If it's not because of my brother, I wouldn't be here.

"I—I'm so s—sorry, Pa.." hindi ko mapagilan na hindi sisihin ang sarili ko sa pangyayari. Even though, Tristan said that no one's to be blame ay hindi ko pa rin magawang hindi sisihin ang sarili ko, "...Papa... I truly sorry.." napapikit lang s'ya sa sinabi ko at naglapitan na ang mga pulis at mga kaibigan ko. Niyakap n'ya ako ng mahigpit habang kalong kalong n'ya si Tristan.

"Nandito lang si Papa.." sabi n'ya sa akin habang umiiyak, "We have lost Tristan, but it doesn't mean it will end here.." ngumiti s'ya sa akin even though he is drowned with sadness, umiiyak s'ya habang yakap yakap kaming dalawa, "... pero hindi ako pwedeng magpakita ng kahinaan sa harap mo, magagalit 'yung kapatid mo sa akin at ang mama mo..." pagpapatuloy n'ya, "...smile, because tomorrow will be alright." minsan talaga, naiisip ko kung paano ang feeling ng isang magulang. "I lost a child kaya hindi ko na kakayanin kung mawawala  ka rin, okay?" he said at umiyak lang ako.

Kanina pa sila nasa harap namin pero walang nagtatangkang lumapit. They gave space for my father who was enveloping Tristan on his arms.

"Carl.." I said as Carl runs toward us, hindi ko mapigilang hindi umiyak dahil feeling ko ako ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Lumapit sila sa akin, si Kurt at Dominique na mistulang naaawa sa kalagayan ko. "Sorry, master, kami dapat ang sisihihin dito. Hindi sana nangyari 'to kung mas nakarating kami ng maaga." he said, trying to convice and comfort me.