FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

20.

{song for this chapter: ocean eyes by Billie Eilish}
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Sometimes things come when it's too late...

I stare with such concentration at Bucks face. What I would do to see those beautiful ocean eyes right about now. The corner of my mouth twitches when I think about the day I ran into Buck. I was such a bitch. I laugh at my own self. More memories of the days we spent together flood my brain. I hear his laugh when he ran a finger across my face, smearing whip cream all over my freshly done makeup. He invited me over to his loft for breakfast that day. I almost killed him because he delayed me another twenty minutes since I had to touch up on my makeup that he ruined. His best friend Eddie was over too and he had brought his son Christopher, the cutest boy I had ever met in my life. Thankfully they missed the part where I yelled at Buck for messing my makeup, lots of curse words were used. It was a nice day. Spending it with Buck and Eddie and Christopher. All I want is to have another day such as that one. I continue going back in time...

"I think you did really good kid" Christopher looked up at Buck grinning ear to ear. "She's very pretty" he said, making Eddie and I laugh.

"Hey hey, don't try stealing her. She's my best friend" Buck pretended to be serious with him and this made Christopher throw his head back laughing.

"I will do my best. But.. no promises."

My thumb wipes away the tear that had fallen down my cheek.

"Please come back to me..." I whisper into his hand. "There's so much I have to tell you."

"Hey girl" Gigi's head pops in. "I brought you some coffee" She holds up two brown cups to her face, making the weirdest face as she walks over to me to hand me one of the cups filled with the most wonderful things to exists. Coffee is my crack.

"You're my hero!" I let out a small gasp of relief after taking the first sip. It is literal heaven.

"Woah, you look hot" I compliment my best friend. Gigi's makeup is perfect and her hair is combed slightly to one side and she has this brilliant red lipstick that just really sets the whole look, aside from the gold earrings.

"I might have a lunch date or whatever" she rolls her eyes in a playful way, taking a seat across from me.

"Who is he?" I narrow my eyes.
"Eh, we matched on Tinder. Let's see how it goes. His name is Ryan, 26, he's a vet. Loves to travel and he's very into mythology" She leans closer in when spilling about this hot guy she matched with.

"An animal doctor? Huh, this should be interesting" I say, taking another few gulps of my coffee. A second one will be needed, maybe even a third today. I'm addicted and it's pretty bad.

"There is nothing wrong with animal doctors! They just happen to be sensitive-"

"Verryyyyyyy" I emphasize. "Very sensitive and needy"

"It's not a bad thing!" Gigi exclaims. I giggle.
"Okay! Let me know how it goes" I wiggle my eyebrows.

"Shut up" she gets up and heads to the door.
"Love you" I say.
"I love you" and the door shuts behind her.

I set my coffee down on the table next to Evans bed.

"That girl is crazy" I say out loud referring to Gigi. "But I love her to death." Silence. I look around the empty room, a thought sitting deeply in my brain wanting to be said out loud. I go back and forth with my subconscious. Am I losing my mind?

Say it.
No.
It'll be too late when you do.

I bite my nails nervously. I don't know why I do it when I know it's disgusting having little nubs after I chew off my nails but I need to calm my nerves down and biting my nails tends to do that. It's so gross and a bad habit I'd like to drop. My eyes look down to my plain nails. They could use a manicure. But then I realize they'll pop a glove. Getting fresh long nails would be pointless. Unless, I get a simple color on my natural nails. That's really all I could do because there's no time to have long nails when being a surgical intern. But they do need to be done badly. A nice red would do. Or orange. It's almost summer so I need to start thinking summer colors.

After thinking long about what color I should get my nails done, my mind goes back to the thought. It's dying to leave my mouth.

"Fuck" I whisper while looking over to Evan. Say it before it's too late.

"Evan..." I whisper. No response. Of course not but damn I never realized how much I miss his voice until now. I stand up from my seat and inch closer to him, placing my hands on both cheeks.

"Evan can you hear me?" still the same silence.

"I-"

Beep beep beep.

"No" my heart nearly jumps out my chest when he starts coding. "NO!" I run towards the door and scream for help.

"WE NEED A CRASH CART IN HERE NOW AND SOMEONE PAGE DR. RUSELL!" The nurses look at me with such a frantic look in their eyes. What the hell are they standing around for.

"AM I NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH? STOP STANDING AROUND"

I'm being pulled away from the room as a whole group rushes into the room. His brown eyes find mine.

"You can't be in here" Victor says.
"I need to be, he needs m-"
"Stella I need you stay out" he points to me while looking behind me, taking his coat off and rushing into the room. Tears start pouring down my face.

"Evan!" I cry out. When I try walking up to the window someone grabs me by the arm and drags me away. I try fighting against them but they're too strong. When I turn to see who it is, I find Tyler looking at me.

"Calm down!"
"Let me go!!" He's far stronger than I am. "Damn it TYLER LET ME GO!" My throat hurts. "LET GO OF ME I-" the sobs continue and I feel myself giving up. Tyler stops walking and I let myself fall to the ground. I can't breathe.

"Stella!?" Amanda's voice sounds so far. She's on her knees in front of me within seconds.

"Look at me" her sweet voice asks. "Stella look at me" But I ignore her.

"He's dying isn't he?" I weep. Before she could answer I hear Victor say something that makes my head snap upwards. My arms are shaking as I lift myself up, Amanda tries helping me up and so does Tyler and I don't fight against them. My eyes stare straight ahead at Bucks room. I can see Amanda's lips moving but no sound comes out. It's like I went deaf. My feet slowly start to drag themselves towards room 112.

Victors eyes lock with mine when I'm standing at the door. His chest rises and falls, clearly out of air. He says something to me but I don't hear it. Everything else blurs out of my vision except for Evan. My heart starts again when his ocean eyes are staring up at me. It's not too late.