FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

39.

I start to ask myself why on earth have I let myself be convinced to agree to this. This was a terrible idea.

"And how did you feel in that moment when you locked eyes with him?" Emily, my therapist, asks me. For a while, I don't say anything. She stares at me blindly.

That day when Buck was brought into the hospital and he had no recollection of who I was, it broke me. Shattered me completely. It felt as though a light that once shined so brightly inside of me suddenly went dark. A candle being blown out.

The first thing I had done when I got home was call my mother, sobbing and choking. My emotions were overwhelming. I couldn't form a single sentence at first so all that was coming out was nonsense. She started to freak out, not knowing what the hell was wrong with me. She panicked and told me she can be on the next plane out if possible. Once I was able collect all my thoughts and spit out real words, I told her. Everything. I explained why he wasn't there on my birthday, how I walked away from him after finding out Savannah was pregnant. How it all goes back to before me and Evan even started dating. To the night of the gala. I expected to feel somewhat lighter after telling my mother everything but I only felt worse. Reality sank in.

Finally, I say, "Frozen. Because the person I love the most in the world has no idea who I am. The love of my life... forgot me. He forgot us."

"Imagine your person looking at you and seeing no spark in their eyes. Nothing. All those moments you created together? gone. Well, for him. For me... I'll carry those with me forever. For the both of us. I don't want to believe that it'll be like this forever. It can't be."

Emily, my therapist, takes a moment to look at her notes, scribbling some more down in her notepad. I wonder what she's writing down. A part of me wants to yank that notebook out of her hands and read what she's saying about me. If she thinks I'm "handling" any of this in the right way. Probably thinking I'm a damaged, emotional train wreck who has unhealthy coping mechanisms or some bullshit.

But is there a right way to deal with this?

"Are you feeling any kind of anger towards Savannah? Do you think-"

"I don't want to talk about Savannah right now" I cut her off. Emily looks up at me, nods, and looks back down to her notes.

"Can we talk about this Victor guy? How is your relationship with him now?"

"There is no relationship. We're just friends." I roll my eyes in annoyance. She tried to ask me this last week.

"That's how you see it. But he has feelings for you, doesn't he?"

I let out a loud sigh as I look her directly in her eyes.

"Yes, he does but what does this have to do with anything?"

"He has been there for you, or tries to but it seems you're too scared to let him be a good friend to you. Too scared to let him in. Maybe you haven't allowed yourself to accept why that is?"

"What?"

"Why did you push him away in the beginning? Are you afraid that you'll start to maybe develop some kind of feelings for him if you haven't already and feel guilty because you're in love with Buck?"

"Where are you getting this from?"

"The way you have described how he is towards you. He obviously cares for you and I can see that you also care for him because he is there for you but you also seem hesitant. You don't want him to get too close. You mentioned the person you go to immediately when you need to talk is Gigi. What does she think of it?"