Crap

Funny Quotes :)

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Silence is golden...duck tape is silver.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Does a prostitude file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure they are not the same eight hours.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, rather large blood stain.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry.

I'm as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

A compromise is an agreement where both parties get what neither of them wanted.

Everything will be okay in the end. If everything is not okay, then it is not the end...

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Attitudes are contagious. Now go lay in bed at home. Do you want people around you to catch yours?

I'm not sure what's wrong...but it's probably your fault!

You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

I never admit or deny anything- it makes me more interesting.

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer...Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

Be strong, because it will get better. Ha, just kidding, you'll be hated forever.

Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home and never, ever be both.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't an illegal drug dealer?

We are the people our parents warned us about.

This is not the life I ordered.

I would never want to be stupid with anybody else. I hope you know that.