Crap

Sayings... :)

Oh, you're alive. I guess my assassins failed.

When a girl smiles at you, it doesn't mean she wants you to father her child.

Dear girls with broken hearts, there are guys out there with glue guns.

I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say.

I wake up every day planning to be productive, then a voice in my mind says, "Haha, good one!" and we laugh and laugh then proceed to take a nap.

Whoever said suicide is never the answer is wrong. Suicide is sometimes the answer. Like when the question is, "What is it called when someone purposely kills themself?"

I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm sleeping.

I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on your bed but it decides to bounce off three walls, knock down two lamps, and kill a cat.

I hate when someone pours my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.

Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see me. "Heeeyyyy!" Ah shit.

Your shirt has to go, but you, can stay.

Our brain spends 85% of time replaying memories and creating scenarios of perfect situations.

Stalking is when two people go on a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

Sarcasm- Because murder is illegal.

I want the kind of head injury where I wake up and Ian Somerhalder tells me he's my husband.

I am not very good at drawing human beings so I just draw potatoes instead.

That awkward moment when you see twins fighting and one calls the other one ugly.

The three most impossible things to do: 

1) Wash your eyes with soap. 
2) Count your hair.
3) Breathe with your tongue out.
Now please put your tongue back inside your mouth.

Get drunk and tell each other everything.

Your existence gives me a headache; Go stand over there.

That awkward moment when you take a shower in the middle of the day and don't know whether to put on normal clothes or pajamas.

I wonder if aliens ever say, "Do you believe in humans?"

Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind, but I just said, "Not really."

The stuff that dreams are made of.

My bed is such a magical place, where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to 'single.' I fight with my parents, but you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

I'm kind. Except those days when, for no apparent reason, I hate pretty much everyone.

Parent: We need to talk.
Me: *million things run through my mind* *what did they find out about?!* Yeah?
Parent: Stop leaving the lights on.

Don't break anyone's heart; They only have one. Break their bones, they have 206.

I keep my room messy so that if someone comes in to try and kill me, they trip over something and die.

That awkward moment when a faceless, emotionless, porcelain white mannequin can pull off an outfit better than you can.

Trust me, I didn't wake up this morning with plans to be this sexy. But hey, crap happens.

That awkward moment when there's an awkward moment, and everyone knows it's awkward, and someone just goes, "AWWWKKKWWWAAARRRDDD!"

When the letter S says hi to the letter T.

Listen, smile, agree, then do whatever the crap you were gonna do anyway.

That awesome moment when your best friend likes your status because they know the story behind it.

I hate how chocolates immediately melt all over my fingertips. I mean, am I THAT hot?!

I hate when you're super excited for something, but then it never happens.

Do you ever speak with a fake British accent?

I just watched a movie about a man's wife who was brutally murdered, and his son was physically disabled. In a surprise twist, the son was kidnapped so the father hunted him down with the help of a mentally troubled lady. Finding Nemo.

Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a paper bag over your personality.

Dear life, when I say things could not get any worse, that is NOT a challenge.

That one kid in class that can ask random questions and get the teacher magically off topic.

That awkward moment when you try to be friendly to a baby, and it looks at you like you're from another planet.

Potatoes gon' potate, so don't be hatin', they potatin'!

Can't shine without darkness.

The year is 2060. The iPhone 852 is released. The screen touches you.

Cough syrup. You are not grape-flavored. Have you tasted a grape? You taste like freaking death and diseased children, not grape.

Why is it that only annoying songs get stuck in your head?

Dear students, I know when you're texting. No one just looks down at their lap and smiles. Sincerely, teacher.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust. People who don't drink, and people who collect stickers.

I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode.

The Wonder Pets: After the children leave, that's when the crap goes down.

A/N- I hope you enjoyed these quotes! I'm on an updating kick because I've found another good source for funny sayings and stuff... Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to KatieCarrie for supplying me with a quote! Check her out, fan her, all that jazz! Anyway, please vote, comment, and recommend if you like! :D <3