Crap

How to be Weird

This is a step-by-step tutorial on how to be weird! If you follow this, it is guaranteed that you will be the weirdest person ever! Well, besides me, of course. Beware: This chapter kind of sucks. But feel free to read anyway. Hopefully I'll have a page or two of quotes up soon... bear with me, dears.

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-Never, ever, ever assume anything. Assuming things not only makes you normal, but it also makes you a fool.

-Don't keep anything in your mind. Just don't have secrets! If you lock up all the creepy stuff, you can never be weird! So, if you eat soup with a fork and eat french fries with a spoon, let the world know! If you secretly love Yo Gabba Gabba, then scream it out loud for everyone to hear!

-You have to ask really stupid questions. None of that nonsense where you raise your hand, but quickly lower it because you realize that is the most ridiculous question ever. Just ask it! Whether it's, "Wait... does Italian sausage come from an Italian pig?" or "Does chocolate milk come from a chocolate cow?" or "Are Hungarians always hungry?" just ask it! Trust me, very rarely do I ask INTELLIGENT questions.

-If you ever have friends over, which you won't because you are forever alone, and you play music, put on Barney's theme song and start rocking out!

-When you're in the library, swallow an encyclopedia, then make a big scene about choking on it.

-Laugh really, really hard, to the point where there are tears rolling down your cheeks, whenever someone says, "My dog died last night..."

-Run away screaming whenever someone asks how you're doing.

-Burst in to tears when someone asks you to borrow a pencil, and insist that they go to prison for physical harassment.

-When someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up, state seriously that you wish to breed microwaves and llamas to create a whole new era of scientific discovery.

-Carry around loaves upon loaves of bread, and when anybody asks why, threaten to go all ninja on them.

-Giggle tremendously and twirl your hair whenever somebody says the word the.

-Comb your teeth and floss your hair.

-Confess your undying love for your boyfriend... 's uncle.

-Have totally random mood swings where you scream furiously at just about everybody, but then begin passing out lollipops and accepting donations for charity. Then throw potato chips at the elderly.

-Give looks to total strangers that are so murderous, they'll think you're seriously considering chucking bricks at their faces.

-Tell your friends that you love their hair, but then proceed to chop it off with a weed whacker.

-Stop talking halfway through a paragraph. Stop talking halfway through a sentence. Stop talking halfway through a phrase. Stop talking halfway through a word. Stop talking halfway through a letter. Stop talking.

-Write all over your yearbook, cross out people you hate, and circle people you love.

-If you murder your enemies, and you murder your friends, the only people left will be strangers. You'll be forced to get to know them, and soon, they'll become either a friend or an enemy. Then you murder them, too. Soon enough, you'll be the only person left on earth, which, by default, makes you the weirdest. But I'll probably kill you before you can kill me, so then I'LL be the weirdest person on earth! You cannot defeat me, youngsters.

-After you eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes, run around town shouting, "Theyyyyy'rrrre great!"

-Wear a fake mustache at all times.

-You must love brussel sprouts and hate ice cream. When you have a birthday party, which you won't because you are forever alone, make sure you serve broccoli cake.

-Watch as much Jenna Marbles as possible, and commit her every word to memory. Then, when the moment is right, switch over to Jennamarblese. You'll scare the crap out of humanity.

-Smell and inspect everything thoroughly before putting it in your mouth.

-Listen to a song twenty-seven times over and simply commit it to memory because that's how well it describes your life.

-Shout out random words, phrases, etc. TURKEY BACON

-Roll your eyes at anyone who knows your name.

-Go bathroom in your cat's litterbox, and train your cat to go bathroom in the toilet.

-Breathe obnoxiously through your mouth---never through your nose.

-On Friday nights, instead of doing what's 'popular', have a jam-out session to 90's music, Kidz Bop, and Disney Mania!

-Pull an all-nighter... in other words, go the entire night without your nightlight on. (Good luck with that one, bro. Took me years to master.)

-Be a crazy calorie-counter! Go on an extreme diet that allows only sunflower seeds and pepsi.

-Spend all day on wattpad... double check.

-Read cliche stories that somehow manage to smash together vampires, werewolves, players that are hot and popular, ugly nerds that you find out are actually beautiful and envied by just about everyone, blonde bimbos, abuse, and song lyrics.

-Shove a camera through your ear and see if you get photographic memory. If you do, please PM me and let me know! I'd love to hear about it!

-Comment on this story, vote this story, and recommend this story!!