Crap

OMG FUNNY QUOTES <3

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Dear vending machines, I'm sorry if my dollar isn't straight enough for you. Sincerely, stop being so homophobic.

Playing a fun drinking game called: Girl alone with her cat.

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.

My parents told me 'You watch too much TV and should try reading more!' So I turned on the subtitles.

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

Starbucks really isn't that expensive...after you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like to purchase all of this invisible crap as well...

I'd probably stand a chance on American Idol if I could just bring my shower on stage.

Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on Facebook.

I don't get why gyms have mirrors...I know what I look like. That's why I'm there.

Opening your cabinet, seeing there's about to be an avalanche of stuff falling, and quickly closing it for the next person to deal with.

If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.

Just called the police on my girlfriend. She hasn't committed a crime, I just want them to come and remind her she has the right to remain silent.

I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night!

If someone texts 'K', just reply with 'L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z'

Nutrition facts are useless, just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this.

Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids.

I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I've been chewing for decades, how did I manage to screw that up?

Boys who say 'I hate Justin Bieber' are those ones who can't master his hair flip no matter how much they practice.

I should get a college art credit for the masterpieces I have drawn on my passed out roommates.

You know that you know the true meaning of sacrificial brotherly love when you let someone else be your favorite character in Smash Brothers.

This is one of those mornings where I'll be picking the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms and throwing the rest away.

Instead of hitting the garage door button, I hit the overhead light...then sat there and waited for the door to go down. I hate Mondays...

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and half of Friday.

Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday so close to Monday?

The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.

It's Friday...any plan of being a productive member of society is officially thrown out the window.

Apparently, the answer 'I know.' is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.

Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....