Crap

Quack. That's Right, I'm a Duck

Harry Potter Fans: I want to be a wizard and go to Hogwarts!
Percy Jackson Fans: I want to be a demigod and go to Camp Half-Blood!
Narnia Fans: I want to find a wardrobe and go to Narnia!
Hunger Games Fans: ...I'm good.

We're all stories in the end.

If you were a potato, you'd be a good potato.

Not only do I rock, but I pebble. I also stone a little.

Things I don't undestand:
-the meaning of life
-the universe
-how Spongebob and Patrick made those noises in the box

When I'm with you I wish I wasn't, and when I'm not I wish I was.

When a girl is wearing white shorts and it's all like, "SURPRISE!"

Live, laugh, love.

I hate when the mirror is like: You look nice today! and the camera is like: Just kidding.

People think I have no self-control. What they don't realize is how many times I could have already shot them, but didn't.

Dear mom and dad,
I've run away with my girlfriend. Life here holds no potential for me, plus she was pregnant. Don't try to look for me, I'll be hiding. I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Your always loving son
PS- All of the above was a lie. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card. Call me when it's safe to come home! Love you!

 Dear Spongebob, you live in Bikini Bottom and you're super absorbent. Face it, you're a tampon.

Substitue Teacher: Does your regular teacher let you do that?
Students: ...yeah...

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices. Take it or leave it.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and enjoys seeing us happy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I have six locks on my door. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there trying to pick them, they're always locking three.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; She changes it more often.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who greatly annoy me.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know I am.

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody knows how to raise children except for the people who have them.

Happiness is having a large, caring, closely-knit family in another city.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't wish to be there when it happens.

I refuse to join any club that would willingly accept me as a member.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

I saw a woman with a shirt that said Guess on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

There cannot be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full!

Electricity is just organized lightning.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

A vegetarian is a person that doesn't eat anything that can have kids.

Song of the Day [3-6-13]

Rythym of Love by the Plain White Tees

A/N- I hope you liked these quotes! There aren't very many of them, but I thought a few of them were pretty funny. And I stuck in a song of the day... So, vote, comment, and recommend! <3333