Crap

Surprise!

A/N- With whatever holiday you celebrate rolling around, I decided to give you fellow readers an unexpected gift... A new update on Crap! Don't expect this to be a regular thing. Crap is still completed and what-not. I was just feeling awesomely generous. :)

Right now you are as old as you've ever been and as young as you'll ever be.

God gave us our family, thank God we can pick our friends.

Cats make over 100 different vocal sounds; dogs can make about ten.

What's up with my phone? Every time I call you it says, "The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo."

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with "Y".

There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in America it caught 100, in France 1000, and in Romania, somebody stole the robot.

The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent four counseling programs.

When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan:
1. Sit on the couch.
2. Turn on the TV.
3. Throw lemons at life.
4. Force life to make lemonade for you.
5. Drink the lemonade.

An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.

I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... By then it was too late.

I don't pay attention because then I'd be in debt.

I'm going to open a new Facebook account called "Anonymous" so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.

You can teach a cat to do anything! (that it wants to do)

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful! Then I looked at you... and... I think... I'll look at the moon some more.

Tell your boss what you really think of him, and you'll feel as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. This would be the weight of employment.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

Cleaning the house while your kids are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places anymore, so I took her to the gas station.

In America, it's not important how much an item costs, but how much you can save when you buy it.

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

I consider myself a crayon. I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

If you buy a $1000 TV for $600, you haven't saved $400. You've spent $600.

Christmas is a competition to see who gives up first- your feet or your wallet.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

After awhile, I fell in love and nobody was there to pick me up.

You know your driving is terrible when your GPS says, "In 300 ft, stop and let me out."

One day my wife's credit card was stolen. What a relief to find out that the thief spends less than she does!

I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.

The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing enthusiasm.

Silence is golden. Too bad nobody's buying.

A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand.

Always run from temptations. But slowly, so they can catch up to you.

Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hotdogs, or is it some kind of bonus?

Do you want to hear the breath of one near you? Do you want to feel them touching you? Then use public transportation.

Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day.

I know that I'm stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

Life's a pretty cheesy game but at least it has good graphics.

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

What is the machine you should use at your local gym to impress the ladies? The ATM.

Chuck Norris can clap. With one hand.

What do you want for Christmas?
-a girlfriend
-a car
-money
Well if you start with a car and money, a girlfriend will be sure to follow!

When I look at the sky, I see you. When I look at the ocean, I see you. When I look at the moon, I see you. Jeez, would you get out of my way?!

I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on New Year's Eve. I then stopped thinking.

Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during math class... none of which had anything to do with math.

We learned some algebra in math today, such as x + 10 = y should I care?

Why was the blond unable to find a single tree to use as a Christmas tree in a forest full of pine trees? None of them had a star on top.

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. :)
Life: LOL, give me a second!

In grammar class the teacher asks her student "When you sing you say, 'I sing'. What do you say when your brother is singing?" The student replies, "Shut up you're a terrible singer."

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets too much worse, I might let him inside the house.

A/N- It's not quite as long as I was hoping, but it'll do. Vote, comment, and recommend if you liked! Happy holidays! <3