Crap

Loving those Quotes

I hope you're enjoying all the quotes so far!!!!! I'm slowly running out of the funnier ones, but here are some more that I like none the less! <3 Don't forget to comment, vote, and recommend!

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everybody can see it but only you can feel the warmth.

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped in to action... and began renting out my room.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I suppose is why most of us died of tuberculosis.

Teamwork: A chance to blame someone else.

Santa Clause has the right idea... visit people only once a year.

There are things in life that are worse than death... have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I didn't attend your funeral, but I sent a rather nice letter saying I approved it.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.

It's simple... if it jiggles, it's fat.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. 

I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.  

Do not disturb me, I'm disturbed enough already.    

Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?  

You never run out of things that can go wrong.  

The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter of civilization.  

Of course I love making friends! I just usually prefer to make them out of clay and give them funny looking hats.  

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.  

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.  

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.  

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me to look at it.  

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.    

What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.  

After many years of studying my geography book, I finally know where Australia is off by heart. Page 23.  

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, I only have one small problem. I lie.  

What's the best excuse to ask the girl you like for her photo? Tell her you're collecting all the Pokemon's.  

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world. 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.  

Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.    

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.  

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.  

Never moon a werewolf.  

I have a new philosophy. I'm going to dread only one day at a time.    

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.  

Top luckiest moment: Get run over by an ambulence.  

Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  

I was about to read a very important envelope, when suddenly the lights went out. Wait... did I remember to pay the electric bill?  

Top honesty moment: To be a cop and give yourself a ticket for running through a red light.  

Top sports moment: To score a goal but miss in the replay.    

If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. 

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.  

If at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you tried.  

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.  

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! ...He's dreaming too.  

To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.    

I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders, when they said they do, I told them 'run outside naked!'  

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.  

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.  

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.    

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." (that's Spanish... a loose translation of it is I Don't Speak English)

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.  

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.  

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.  

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.  

Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.  

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?  

I hope I didn't brain my damage...  

If it ain't broke, I'll break it.  

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.  

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the other passengers in his car.  

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.   *****************************************************************************************************  

I may be posting another chapter later, because this one might be only two pages. :( Oh well, I hope you enjoyed them anyway! Love you all!!! 7katelyn1