Even After All

Part Forty Seven

Chapter Forty Seven

Mattie kicked sand as she walked in the surf, it was hot, and the location was perfect. Everything she could have imagined a Thai beach resort to be, endless sand, turquoise sea, an equally blue horizon. Idyllic, a paradise, except for the fact that she was alone. When she’d been in Bangkok the hustle and bustle, the lights, the sounds, the people crammed onto pavements, the trips on tuktuks, the fellow travellers and the generalised chaos of the city meant that she rarely had time to think of anything but where she was going, the safe journey to a destination, or where the next beer was coming from. But now, here, in this idyllic place, designed for romance and couples if not honeymooners, she was alone, and her status had never more apparent at any time in the last five years.

She’d spent most of that time trying not to miss Dylan, to convince herself that the decisions she made were right, that everything was his fault. She hated how he’d made her feel, but she knew that she’d hurt him too, badly. From the moment he’d walked into the hotel reception, she’d wanted to tell him everything, wanted to share the past with him, she knew it would be hard, for her AND him, but it was important, but involved being realistic, facing up to things. That was something that he had never been good at. Dylan wafted through life on such a simplistic level, taking everything at face value, never truly looking any distance into the future or beyond the surface. It was his biggest downfall, and despite it all, despite all his promises, it seemed that that hadn’t changed in the years since they’d divorced. And the pain that avoidance caused was huge.

The paradise she was staying in was designed for lovers, secluded villas, private pools, romance everywhere she looked, yet Matilda was alone, she hated the way eyes looked at her with sympathy across the dining rooms, or as she cut through the reception en route to the beach. Initially she tried to keep a low profile, and ignore everyone. But in the end it became too much, she started to use the quiet side entrance to the hotel, and had taken to dining in her room, avoiding being the only solo person, like Billy-no-mates in the dining room filled with tables for two. Fortunately she hadn’t travelled to Koh Samui or some other idyllic resort that was both beautiful AND isolated; at least here there were streets that she could wander, places where she could lose herself. But the relative serenity when she did that, meant that there was again nowhere to hide, and little else to occupy her conscious level...other than Dylan...and how it had all gone so drastically wrong.

Dropping down to sit on the sand, she thought about the emails she’d received earlier, half a dozen requests to meet to discuss some of the variety of jobs she’d shown interest in since walking out of the hotel. She had to decide what she wanted to do, at the moment the thought of returning to London, to work, to no home and even worse, no life was less than appealing. She was seriously tempted to walk into town and get a job in a bar. The idea of just living, enjoying...for the first time in years she had no one excepting of her, no demands, no job, no commitments. She was free. Dylan knew that she wasn’t coming back, she’d made that blatantly clear, and for years she longed for this moment, this freedom. But now, the reality of being free of all responsibilities, being alone was the last thing she wanted. Despite the way he’d spoken to her, despite his anger, his lack of trust, there was no one else she could envisage being here with...she’d thrust all her eggs in his basket ten years earlier. She’d not stopped loving him after all that happened almost six years ago, there was little chance that his behaviour now would change how she felt. She wasn’t about to back down, wasn’t about to contact him, but she was doomed! She had to start imagining that this life alone was permanent. She’d never let anyone else in.

                “So are you going to give her a glowing reference?”

Dylan looked up from his desk at Brandy, “well I can’t say no, can I?”