No one has to know

Chapter 23

It had been just hours since Bash had left and Catherine was pacing her room, just short of in a panic. She didn't know what to do. None of her options were good ones and she hated having to try and make a decision without Bash. Whatever she decided to do would change everything forever. Every way she could imagine it, it came with terrible consequences. How could she do that to him? Maybe she wouldn't have to. Maybe she would get lucky and he would come home quickly. 'I should at least give it a chance.' She thought. Yes, that was it, she would give him some time. If there was any chance to include him in this decision, she had to try. She would simply have to wait as long as she could. How she was supposed to do that though, she hadn't the foggiest. It was hard enough keeping things a secret before, but this was bound to be impossible.

Almost two weeks later, it was getting increasingly difficult to keep her secret. She was much more sick than she had ever been. With all her children, she'd never felt quite this bad before. She had been excusing herself from almost every meeting, every gathering and most meals. It was becoming a feat of magic just to come up with excuses. Sometimes she couldn't think of any and would just sneak away. That night however, they would be having a small party for some visiting dignitaries and she was determined to stick it out. She just couldn't be seen leaving yet another event.

As her servants were dressing her one of them started to lace up her corset.

"Could we maybe try to go without the corset tonight. I'm simply not in the mood to be suffocated." She said. The servant looked confused but nodded and removed the corset. She would have to start dressing herself to avoid having to make excuses for her lack of corset as well. She finished dressing and made her way to the gathering.

The party was a fairly lively one and Catherine hoped the people would be too distracted to bother her. She couldn't be burdened by trite conversation. She had to use all of her energy on keeping herself on her feet.

The party was in full stride when Catherine started feeling queasy again. She reached for some bread off the refreshment table, hoping it would settle her stomach. After a few minutes, she still felt sick and was beginning to get a bit dizzy again. She held out as long as she could but the sick feeling finally became too much for her. She decided it was time to get out as fast as she could. As she was making her way out of the ball room she walked right into Mary.

"Catherine, I was looking for you...." Mary said.

"I'm sorry, I can't... not now Mary." She said pushing past her. She flew down the hall, trying to get back to her room before she made a mess out of the he hallway. She burst into he chambers, selling the door behind her just barely in time. She was so busy throwing up she didn't notice Mary had followed her.

"Catherine, are you alright?" She said going to her and placing her hand on her back. "I should get the physician." She added as she began to leave again.

"No!" Catherine snapped and grabbed Mary's wrist. "No... don't. I don't need a physician. I'm fine." She said more calmly.

"Catherine, you're clearly not fine. And now that I think about it you've been slinking off at dinner all week. You need a doctor at once." Mary said.

"Mary please, don't. I beg of you." She said still gripping her wrist.

"Why would you risk your health? How long have you been hiding being ill?" Mary asked trying to help her up.

"Not long. I'm really fine Mary. It's nothing to worry about." She said.

"How can you say that your white as a ghost? Even if you think you're fine, why not err on the side of caution?" Mary argued trying to leave again. Catherine pulled her back once more.

"Because!...Because I'm not sick." She blurted out.

"What do you mean you're not sick? I just saw you..." off of Catherine's expression it suddenly hit Mary. "Oh...Oh God...you're... not...are you?" Catherine looked down, defeated. Mary, shocked, placed a hand over her mouth.

"How....I mean who did you...?" Mary asked.

"Please, Mary, you can't breath a word of this to anyone, not a physician, not even Francis. Especially not Francis." Catherine tried to shift away from the question.

"What are you talking about? Why would you try to keep this a secret? It's not as if you can hide it forever." She said.

"I know that, but I can't just yet. I need more time. You don't understand." Catherine was struggling to get the words out.

"Understand what? What difference does a few days or weeks matter? Your condition isn't going to change. Believe me hiding a pregnancy never turns out well." She said thinking about Lola.

"I need time to figure out what I'm going to do about this. Please." She said.

"What do you mean, what you're going to do? You're not thinking of getting rid of the baby are you?" Mary asked worried.

"No. Yes...I don't know. It's complicated." She said.

"What could be so complicated? Why would you even...is it the father? Is he urging you not to have it?" She asked.

"No. He doesn't know yet. No one does."  She breathed out.

"Well then why...that's it isn't it? The father. You don't want anyone to know who it is, do you?" She guessed. "Who could it possibly be that would be worth all this for you to keep it a secret?" Catherine just looked away. "Catherine, you can tell me."

"No, Mary, I can't. I just can't. Please understand." She said, almost shaking. "I just need more time." Mary, seeing a desperation in Catherine she'd never seen before, decided not to push her any more, at least for the time being.

"Alright, I won't say anything just yet. But you must promise you'll tell me before you do anything rash." She said. Catherine nodded.

"I'll promise if you do." She said.

"I promise. We can talk about it more in the morning. You need some rest now that you've upset yourself." Mary said. She helped her up then put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure the situation isn't half as bad as whatever you've been thinking of in your head. It'll be alright."

"You say that now, but if you knew..." she drifted off.

"I could know if you wanted." She said. Catherine was silent. "If you need anything at all..."

"Thank you." She said. Then Mary left quietly. Catherine sank onto the bed and put her head in her hands. The situation just became a whole lot more complicated.