Perspective

Chapter Thirty Nine.

"
So let's face it this was never what you wanted
But I know it's fun to pretend
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have, they're all I have

Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing"

T.w. Mention of sexual assault.

***

October 2016.

1.5 Years Prior:

***

"Can you please not be upset with me? I'm just stressed. It's been a bad couple of days. I'm not trying to be frustrating" I say hanging my head, staring at my legs as I sit on the edge of the bed.

I can't help it. He asked why I was being so quiet - acting so distant tonight, I knew I shouldn't have told him.

All of this just because I wasn't in a good mood, and it's set him off. 

"You know it stresses me out when you stress - I told you to just stop stressing about that shit, but you can't help yourself, can you?" Bryce mutters, walking into our bathroom.

"I can't just stop - she's my mother" I defend in a small voice, not wanting to frustrate him more.

He knows what she did to me last night. How scared I was when she was yelling at me to help her but wouldn't let me call anyone.

He has seen more than I have ever let anyone else, what my mother does to me and told him what she has done my whole life. And yet, I'm still to blame when he doesn't get his way. When I'm not acting accordingly.

If I try and argue he just gets angry, he just never listens. He always thinks I'm attacking him. Even if I'm just trying to explain that he's hurt my feelings, he just gets angry.

I'm too tired to argue anyway.

"Yeah well you're the one that chooses to be stuck here with her Drew, locking yourself in this goddamn house with her for a year and a half" he snaps, storming back into the bedroom and coming to stand in front of me.

I'm not locking myself in here, she doesn't let me leave. He knows that.

When I look up to him and see those same blue eyes that I remember making my heart skip, and now they just fill me with dread, with anxiety. I don't feel loved when I look at them, I feel ashamed and like I'm a burden.

His eyes were so warm when we met, but it's like the second he knew he had me they went cold.

Feels like I've been chasing that warmth ever since, hoping it would come back. Unfortunately that warmth was never directed at me again. Everyone else, but me.

"You know it's not a choice... I'd never choose this, I've tried to explain what Mel told me about why I can't just abandon her-"

Bryce cuts off my reasoning, scoffing with a snide glare "It's excuses Drew - you're doing this to yourself. You're choosing her over me, and you know I'm the only one that cares about you. That's stuck around."

I frown at him "I'm not choosing her. I wouldn't choose fucking Satan over her and you know that. I'm not giving you excuses - I'm trying to explain the reasons behind why I am the way I am with all this. I'm trying to change, to get better-"

Bryce cuts me off again, talking over me like he always does, "You're trying? You've been shut off for months. You never leave the house, can't do anything for yourself. I'm always taking care of you. It's not going to get better, Drew."