Stay With Me

Chapter 20: It Just Slipped

"Well, I'm officially your father." Castiel said, pulling Anna into a hug and kissing her hair.

Dean smiled but tried to hide it. "It feels pretty good knowing that my dad isn't a asshole chasing me with a butcher knife and shooting people."

Dean's eyes widened, shot? Who the hell got shot? "I love you." Dean spit out, covering his mouth like he's a little kid that just said a bad word in front of his parents. Castiel looked at Dean but his expression unreadable until he spoke, then it was clear.

"Anna, in the car." She didn't hesitate to get in and close the door. Castiel crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Dean for a long, uncomfortable time.

"I'm sorry, it just slipped." Dean mumbled, his hand on the handle to open the drivers door before Castiel grabbed his arm.

"You can't say that, not in front of me or her. I can't listen to your lies anymore."

"Cass, I'm not lying."

"Did you say that to Lisa too?!" Castiel slammed the door closed. Dean had the strongest urge to tell him 'careful, that's my baby' but figured it would only make things worse.

Dean cautiously spoke. "No, I didn't ever really talk to her. I just used her for sex so I could...so I could stop thinking about you. It didn't work, nothing did. I don't know what to do, Cass. You obviously don't even like me, I love you more than anything. What am I suppose to do? Just forget about our wipe cream fight in blue speedos?! I can't do that! I can't forget about anything I ever did with you! It's carved into my brain! I want to rip it out but I can't! You...you're just there and you won't leave! I don't know what to do, I have no fucking clue!"

"You think that you're the only one like that? You really think that? I was walking from state to state just to get away from you because the heartbreak was killing me. I had nightmares again. I wouldn't eat because I just felt to empty to. I carved your name into my skin so I could remember what you did to me! But you know what, I didn't work! I only love you more every time I cut over it again!"

Dean yanked Castiel's sleeves up, finding his name, in red, on Castiel's pink arm from all of the dried blood and itching from it. He closed his eyes, trying his hardest not to cry. He did this. He caused this, these scars that are cut over and over again so they could forget about his asshole self. He did it and it's never going to leave him, just like its never going to leave Castiel's skin.

"You...you cut yourself to - forget about me?"

"I couldn't take the thought and the words and moans and sounds that came from you that night! I couldn't! So I did it that night for the first time! I threw stuff at the wall, I broke the door, I made holes in the walls, I cried, I tried everything but you're still there!" Anna climbed out. "Back in the damn car!" She didn't though, she went to her father and wrapped her arms around him as tight as possible.

"I don't even know why I did it! I'm a cheating, lying, stupid, demotic, black eyed bastard! I'd do anything just to make it never happen! She means dirt to me, you're my heart that cut itself because I'm the demon I am!"

"Don't blame it on the damn demon! It was all you Dean!"

"What do you want?! I've apologized over and over, I've resisted the urge to push you up against the car and kiss you and that damn name until it's healed! I'll rip my heart out of my chest and give it to you! Don't think I won't because I've done stupider things before! I love you, Cass, I damn love you and it's stupid! It's stupid how much I do and what I'd do for you!"

"You know what, Dean?! I love you too! I don't want to but I do! I don't want to at all but you're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you because I'm not letting another slut touch you! I made the mistake of leaving, you made the mistake of doing it in the first place!"