Dawn

XIII

 © 2014 by Mpule Clarke/cheeky_gurl

                                                         Chapter 13

                                                            Dawn

When I got home my aunt was out on the front lawn sitting on a yoga mat smoking a cigarette. She just nodded at me as I passed and I bit my lip. Why do you do that? Why do I do that?

I wasn't going to go up to my room and make things worse. I am not going to break down so easily. But I wanted too. So, so badly. I wanted to give up before I lost my chance too. I just wanted to be free. I want to be blue. Infinite. Limitless. Untouchable.

I heard that baking helps you get your mind off of things. I didn't really know how to bake per se so I just decided to rummage through the cupboards until I found a box of cake mix. I don't even know why my aunt had these. Thank God it came with instructions.

When the oven beeped my aunt poked her head into the kitchen and raised an eyebrow at me before deciding she was going out. As usual. I was leaning against the island with my eyes closed enjoying the scent and the silence of the baking cake. Why can't people be like cake? Good on the outside and the inner. It couldn't judge you, it just makes you happy.

The doorbell rang and I bit my lip hesitantly. Why do you do that? I let my lip fall and padded slowly to the door. Times like this I wish the door had a peep hole. My nerves were buzzing and my scalp tingled. I've been so on edge lately, I think it had to do with the fact that I was feeling watched.

When I opened the door it was Daniel and I had no idea what to think or do. I was about to pull down my sleeves over the bandage but I realised I took of my sweater. My stomach turned as he inspected my arm carefully then his eyes seemed to soften with fear and understanding. Understanding I didn't quite understand. What if... what if he knew I was cutting.

"You burnt your arm?" his eyebrows pulled together and I hesitated before I nodded.

"Um... I was moving a pot with hot oil and it spilled," I bit my lip and I had a nagging feeling he knew I was lying, but if he did he showed no signs of it "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I was just dropping some stuff off nearby for my neighbour," he smiled softly his green eyes warm "Just thought I'd stop by."

"Well, I guess you can come in. I mean, if you want too," my ears heated up and I gnawed at my lip staring at his grey sweater.

"Ooh! I smell cake," he pushed past me and I closed the door confused. He was so much like my Daniel. I exhaled slowly and followed him into the kitchen.

"What's up with the bright colours?" he leaned over the island looking through the spices. So much like my Daniel.

"My aunt, she, um. She paints her moods. I guess, if that makes sense," I bit my lip leaning against the door frame gingerly holding my arm. I felt guilty every time he spoke to me or even looked at me. Maybe we were soul mates in a past life. Who knew. But I felt the guilt because every time I seemed to catch his eyes it looked like if he actually cared. I didn't want anyone to care because I didn't want anyone to get hurt. Like I said. There can't be numbness without pain, whether it be before or after. Someone always felt.

"Yeah, I guess that does make sense," he picked up the oregano and sniffed it.

"Why are you so nosy," he puzzled me. I didn't get him at all.

"I like being aware of things Dawn,"

I scoffed and stayed silent whilst he went on and on about herbs and how they needed to always be fresh. The timer for the oven went off  I was silently thankful because that brought a new topic. A non-herb  related topic.

"Why'd you decide to bake a cake?" he leaned against the counter near the oven when I shut the oven door and put the hot pan on the stove.

"Because I wanted to," I turned to face him narrowing my eyes at him.

"But why'd you want to bake a cake on a Friday instead of going out with friends?" he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Because I wanted to," I could feel my stomach churning at where this was going.

"Why would anyone want to bake a cake on a Friday evening?" his eyebrow was no longer raised but his face was unreadable.

"Because I wanted to," I said with clenched teeth turning away from him so I could put the cake in the fridge but when I turned around he was blocking my path "I think you should leave," I said stiffly with my eyes fixed on the cake.

"What happened to your arm Dawn?" he asked firmly and my breath caught in my throat.

"I told you, I got burnt by hot oil," I barely mumbled, my throat felt tight. I never spoke about this to anyone. And I don't think I'm about to open up to some guy just because reminds me of my old care. I felt his cool fingers under my chin gently pushing my face up. His eyes were warm and not judging, but I wasn't going to... I couldn't.

"Dawn... I saw the same signs in someone that got lost in herself and I wasn't able to help because I never paid attention and now it's too late," his eyes were wavering "Dawn."

Or not. I unpinned the bandage and started unravelling it slowly. I felt the slow release of the tightness then the burn of my raw charred skin as the last bit of the bloodied bandage fell from my arm and into a pile on the floor.

I didn't look down at my arm because I knew how bad it was. I couldn't I'd cry. I was crying anyway. I felt naked. Exposed and fragile. I couldn't...

I didn't even look up at his eyes but I could feel them. Then I felt him arms wrap around me carefully and softly. It was contact, it silence. It was enough.

"You're good Dawn," he whispered as I tried to stop my tears

I'm good.

I never said those words nor have I ever thought them up. I was always fine. Or  okay. I was never good.

...

My mother was smiling warmly at me. She was peaceful in her lifeless beauty. Her last words were barely a whisper but I seemed to catch them.

"You're good Dawn,"