Vorfreude

Chapter 32

Halfway through our milkshakes, I decide to try to walk Oliver through everything that happened between Ant and me. I leave out his gruesome wording but admit that he said we had sex. Oliver stays quiet until I shut down due to the actual realism of this all. My heart has finally come back down into a normal beating range, but I can't seem to get my breathing under control. How did I let this happen not only to myself but Anthony too?

"Do you think he's lying?" Oliver finally asks after I've laid all that I can. I might as well be honest with him. He's been genuine as a person so far and I've shared my body with him. That's something I haven't been able to do since Jonah. I should have no shame in admitting to Oliver the insecurities I have in my body and the fact that my coherent mind wouldn't dare touch the man my other best friend is in love with. Especially since that person is Anthony, my own best friend.

"No, I don't. I want to believe he is though because I would like to think I had more modesty than that, but he's never lied to me before."

Oliver sucks up the last of his shake and pushes the empty glass forward.

"I've seen that look before," he says, shuffling to angle himself towards me, pressing his knee into the hardwood and brushing it across my thigh.

"Seen what?" I ask, feeling pretty relaxed now despite the circumstances.

"The way Ant looks at you." His eyes press away from me, in deep thought. "He's in love."

I almost choke on the last of my ice cream. My eyes bulge from my head.

"Ant isn't in love with me."

He laughs and his eyes pierce back at me in a chaotic stance.

"Of course, he is. It's written boldly on his face. I only know because I used to look at my best friend like that."

I push the remainder of my shake away and bring my own knee up onto the seat, adjusting myself to face him. He leans an arm across the back of our booth and rests it there.

"Ant loves me but he isn't IN love with me," I imply.  Oliver rolls his eyes and sighs.

"I call bullshit, kit kat. Love is there which is a dog's breakfast in terms of your friendship."

My body feels bubbly. Anthony isn't in love with me. Something has to be wrong with him because he loves Erin. The more I think about it, Ant would never look my way in terms of attraction. We only became friends because of platonic feelings.  Love is a word that can't just be throw out as if it means nothing. Love is felt and I would feel if Ant was IN love with me.

It's my turn to sigh and mimic his pose.

"That's crazy. You don't know him. I would know if he had feelings other than a sister for me."

Oliver's stare intensifies in sarcasm. I look away.

"Anyways, I kind of think I should head back and see if he's calmed down so that we can actually make sense of all of this."

Oliver shrugs, but when his eyes come back to mine, a small smile asides on his mouth.

"If that's what you want to do, I'm here for it."

Is that what I want to do? I can't just run away from Anthony. He's my best friend. Regardless of what he said to me, we can fix it. We have to be able to fix it. We'll work through it no matter how long it takes. I shouldn't have run out as I did, but at that moment I didn't have a choice.

"Wait, what the fuck is a dog's breakfast?" I blurt, the confusion in my face helps me set aside my problem for the time being. Oliver chuckles and my heart flutters at the beauty that is his face within the division of his laugh.

"It's like a complicated mess which is exactly how this situation seems."

My face doesn't ease. How the heck do the terms "dog's breakfast" and "complicated mess" compare to one another. Oliver swiftly moves out of the booth, leaves a generous tip on the table and waits for me to climb out behind him. Puzzled, I begin laughing. Oliver can't help but join in and ruffles my hair, slinging an arm around my shoulder as we walk out.

"Mate, you've got a lot to learn."

Sometimes I forget Oliver's Australian. The accent begins to fade into normalcy and to be honest, I think Oliver tries to sound more American most of the time. I kind of want to ask him about that. I mean he definitely is Australian because when his accent is there, it's prime, but when he speaks like a normal American, it's easy just to assume he is American.

"Does 'dog's breakfast' really  mean a complicated mess?" I ask, still curious. Oliver continues laughing, but much harder.

"True blue," he buckles.

"What?!" I plunder. Now I'm pretty positive he's giving me a line of crap. He shakes his head and as we begin the long stretch back towards the hotel, he ignores me. He keeps his arm around my shoulder as we walk in what I suspect as moral support, but a part of me wants to pull away. I want to be alone, yet at the same time, it's nice to have someone there. That someone just feels out of place. Normally it's Ant that's by my side for any kind of support.

The word conflicted doesn't even begin describing my thoughts. I can't wrap my head around any of this.

I don't know how I'm supposed to face Anthony or if I'm going to be able to handle it once I do. I'm pretty sure I've processed all of this enough to sit down and try to work it out, or at least attempt to, but If he says anything relatively close to the phrasing he used earlier, I will crumble. I know I've said this too many times, but this isn't him. Truthfully, I don't understand why he would say any of this or how any of this would happen under any circumstances. I want to believe him, I have to believe him because why would he lie to me and say we've done something if we haven't, but a huge part of me knows that a situation like this would never occur. I'm just not that person regardless of the amount of alcohol in my body. I cannot stop my mind from replaying the entire conversation. Each time I picture the look on his face, the more I feel my heart shrivel in disbelief, not in him, but in myself.

When we make it up to our room and Oliver waits in the hall as I go inside. I know for a fact that I cannot lose Ant over this. I will not lose Ant over this. I am going to go against my own heart and choose his side. With one foot in front of the other, I have to see how we can push forth with this situation.

I brace myself for what is yet to come, and as I fully enter the room, I find myself in a void of emptiness. Ant along with all of his things are gone. My heart sinks even further than before. The bed is made and his luggage has vanished.  There's no trace left of him except a small blue bear beanie baby that sits on the white covers of our once shared bed.

My life before me dissipates in front of my eyes.

Anthony left me.

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P.s. this chapter is dedicated to @Tijen_bee because they suggested Austin Butler as Oliver and I dig it lol