Vorfreude

Chapter 21

"I can't do this," comes out of my mouth and into the air before I have a chance to calm myself. I feel my chest tightening and I can't stop it. My breathing is so quick and so staggered that I am not sure I'm actually getting oxygen. This feeling is too familiar. I know what's about to happen. My body is right on edge.  

I don't know who I am trying to fool. I am not meant for a life of bliss. I am not meant to be in a room with Harry Styles discussing my anxiety or opening up about who I am. I have absolutely nothing to offer him and he'll soon see that. I am nothing but a simple writer who is just trying to get by. My work isn't as glamorous as he's indicating and I know that. I'm my biggest fan.

Let's also face the fact that I am not cut out to go face hundreds of people today that will ask me hundreds of questions that may or may not freak me out. I am not the one who gets a unique story wrote about them based off a celebrity entering her life. 

Lastly, I know I am not the type of girl who hooks up with someone they've just met and is totally fine keeping things casual. The circumstances of last night are still too fresh on my tongue. 

Suddenly, I am well aware that this person I've been the past few days isn't the person I am.

I reach down and grab my bag. 

"Hey," Harry's voice echos inside of my ear from inches away. I look up to meet his eyes as he's now kneeling in front of me. How did he get over here so fast? How did I miss it?

His hand reaches out and rests on my shoulder. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay." 

My body reacts to his touch. I feel my breathing begin to slow down from the anxious state of my mind, but begin picking up from the nerves enrapturing down through me upon contact. 

The intensity in his orbs warms my insides. "It's just you and me," he adds, lowering his stare to make sure I am hearing the words he is saying. I can't help it as my eyes glance to the people who have swarmed into the dining area since we walked in. Everyone is staring. Harry notices and glances up at his bodyguard. "Hugo, close the blinds." 

Hugo comes inside our glass bubble and begins letting down wooden blinds that drop from the ceiling. 

I feel Harry's breath on my skin, noticing he's let out a sigh. My eyes come back to his. "Will you stay?" he questions. There is a sincerity in his voice. His hand lifts from my shoulder to my face as he pushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers linger and end up cupping my cheek. I turn into his palm. This may be really fucking cliche, but I feel as if I'm living in a rom com. 

I nod my head but pull back. His hand drops instantly and he gets up, walking back to his spot. His broad shoulders are tense as he moves. I almost wish I would've waited a second longer to answer so that I could've savored another moment under his touch. 

My eyes jolt back down to the food in front of me, avoiding him. I start chanting to myself "all is well, this too shall pass." I repeat it over and over in my head until I believe it. The one thing anxiety has taught me is that I can overcome pretty much anything as long as I don't give up. Even though these thoughts are still clear as day and are running abruptly through my head, I know if I just breathe and remember all I have to do is take one step at a time, I will be fine. My mom always tells me to think about situations as an agenda. I have two main tasks to do today. Eating with Harry and going to my first book signing. I only have to finish this to check it off and then do the same once the signing takes place. After that, it's over. My day will be over. I will be fine. I will have made it through it. 

I can feel Harry's eyes on me, watching, waiting, making sure I am not about to freak out. He doesn't speak anymore. I find it relaxing being he doesn't ask the ridiculous questions that everyone else normally does. It must be true, Harry has anxiety too.