The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

Chapter 35

The church house could just barely be seen far off in the distance and Payton began to squirm in her seat. She wanted to tell Joshua to stop the wagon, take her back home, she had changed her mind. She couldn't go through with this. She looked down at Grace who was sleeping now. Her bow shaped mouth open and drool pooling in the corner. Her fat cheeks bounced with the movement of the wagon. Grace's left arm was tucked up close to her mother her right thrown up over her head and bouncing with the dips the wagon took in the road. She was content and beautiful. Payton wiped a tear from her cheek. How could anyone not fall in love with this sweet baby the moment they saw her. Just as quickly as that thought came so did the memory of Gertrude Banks and the horrid comments she had made some weeks back. Payton shuddered remembering the suggestion she put her baby in a home. Somewhere out of sight. She glanced over to Joshua. She could feel his eyes on her. "I'm okay." she said and knew it was a lie the before she said it.

Joshua slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him. "Its going to be okay, Love. Please don't cry."

Payton wiped another stubborn tear, "I'm not." she said as yet another fell to her cheek.

Joshua touched her cheek with his finger and wiped the wetness there. He frowned at her with soft eyes. "I promise if you get uncomfortable I'll take you home."

"And Grace to?"

He looked away and stared down the road for just a minuet. 'God, help me.' he prayed. He wanted to do what was right. "If she's upset I'll take her home to. If not I want her to stay but I won't make you leave her behind." he said then he looked at her. "But I hope it won't come to that." He smiled at the sleeping baby. "She's gonna knock their socks off. I can't wait to show her off to everyone." His eyes went back to the road and they were less than a half a mile from the church. Without looking at Payton he said, "Do you realize this is the first time anyone will see a baby that came from my seed?" Payton watched him silently. He smiled and then looked over at her, "I can't wait to see what they think of her."

Suddenly she realized she had stolen something from him. She could remember when Tommy was born how excited she was to show him off to people. To hear what they thought of him. To hear what or who people saw in his features. Hannah to. With Nate her parents and close friends had come by and she wasn't quite as excited to hear what others thought of her son. The memory of Thomas being gone and hearing folks comment on what looked like Thomas was just so heart breaking. It was a constant reminder that Thomas would never see or know this child and that hurt. Joshua was a good father and she was forever thankful and grateful to him but she knew that one day Nate would understand that he had missed out on ever living with his real father and he would have questions that no one could answer.

Yet now, here she was with another child that she wasn't ready to hear peoples remarks about; Her fourth and she had forgotten that Joshua had never experienced the joy of someone pointing out that your child had your nose or chin or eyes. He had never heard someone say, "Oh, Joshua, she's got your smile." Payton let a tear fall and didn't move to wipe it away. "I'm sorry Joshua." she whispered. It was hard to have privacy with Doris so close in the back seat. Payton was so thankful for the woman and she knew that Doris wouldn't try to eavesdrop but a moment of privacy with her husband would have been nice.

"For what?" he asked putting his arm around her again.

"I've taken that away from you."

"What?" he asked surprised.

"That first outing with a new baby. Those comments on how she favors you. I remember with both Tommy and Hannah how eager I was to take them out so that I might hear what others thought or if they to saw that He had my brow or my fathers nose. Or she had my long fingers or the same blond hair...." She wiped a second and third tear. "I'm sorry I never even stopped to think that you had never experienced that and how it might affect you."

He shrugged his shoulders, "It doesn't matter. I'm okay and besides its happening right now." He put both hands on the reins as he pulled up under a shade tree and tethered the horses. Payton watched holding Grace tightly to her. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't sure what people would do or say. She wasn't sure she had made the right choice now. Now that it was all happening. She looked around and saw others parking their wagons and making their way to the church building. They waved at her and called hello's. She smiled back but the smile never reached her eyes. She was scared and unsure. She needed to just go home but then what would they think? That she was loony.... She looked down at Grace again and her heart broke, "They'll think she's loony!" her mind screamed. "They'll point and laugh!"

"Joshua, I want to go home." Payton said as he was helping Doris down.

They both stopped and looked up at her. "What?" they asked together.

The children stared at her. "Why?" "Why momma?" "Momma don't go home!" they asked and pleaded.

"I can't.... I can't do this..." she told him, keeping her eyes on his. "They'll point and laugh and stare. They're going to be whispering about me and Grace... I can't... I just can't.."

Doris was the one to answer, "That's just the devil girl and if you listen to him you are a coward!"

Payton felt like someone had slapped her. "Excuse me?"

"You get your rump down here with that beautiful baby and you show her off to the world the way God intended you to when he blessed you with her." Doris ordered. "Now this has went on for long enough. Its due time you get that young-in in Church and teach her about the Lord. 'Afore long she'll be up walking and running and won't know one thing about God and his creation, 'cept for what we tell her. Now you get down, hold your head up high and smile. Give that baby to Joshua so he can show her off....." Doris paused and put her hand up to Payton, "And I'll hold your hand the whole time." she said in a soft motherly tone.

Payton handed the baby down to Doris while Joshua helped her down from the wagon. Doris handed the baby over to her father and took Payton's hand just as she said she would. She leaned in close to the girl and whispered, "God will give you grace, Child. He'll help you with each step you take." Payton nodded as they started toward the doors of the church. Doris could feel Payton's hands shaking as they closed the distance between them. "Your gonna be fine." Doris whispered. They came to the steps and Payton faltered. Doris squeezed her hand, "Faith child... blind faith." Payton nodded and swallowed. One foot on the stairs and she heard a rustling behind them. She turned and saw it was Mr. & Mrs. Hughes. They owned the general store and were very fond of Joshua and his family.

Mrs. Hughes rushed forward. "Oh well thank the Lord!" she said and wrapped her arms around Payton's neck. "I been a prayin' that baby would get over the colic so you would come out. I been dieing to get my eyes and hands on her." She kissed Payton's cheek and rushed up the three steps to Joshua and the baby, who was standing on the landing with all the children. Joshua looked down at Payton and smiled as he pulled the blanket back to reveal the sleeping baby. "Oh!" she said clapping her hands over her mouth. "Isn't she just a little doll!" She smiled up at Joshua. "She is such a beauty! That little mouth!" she giggled, "Oh and look at that little tongue sticking out."

Tommy standing next to his father said, "She does that all the time." as if it were not such a big deal.

"Does she now..." Mrs. Hughes smiled down at Tommy, "Babies are funny like that." she said, "Each one is so special and so different. They all have their little quirks." she looked back to Joshua, "Some want to be held a certain way or suck their thumbs...." she bent and kissed Grace's cheek before placing the blanket back over her head. "Ya'll don't run off I want to hold her as soon as church is finished. I hope she's awake then." she winked at Payton, "See you inside." and she and Mr. Hughes disappeared behind the heavy oak door.

Doris patted her hand. "It wasn't so bad now was it?"

Payton sighed with relief. She smiled at Doris, "I'm still jittery."

"As any new mother would be." she winked.

At the top of the steps, standing on the platform with her family Payton took a deep breath and gave Joshua a nod. He opened the door and she took another deep breath and one big step inside the crowded church. People were seated with their backs to them but several turned. Some smiled and waved. She saw a few speak to the person next to them and they turned around. She took another deep breath and reminded herself that she could do this. If not for herself for her three little children who desperately wanted her to be here with them. Then she saw Gertrude Banks and found the chink in her armour....