The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

chapter 25

Payton spent the rest of her day as she did any other. She cleaned house while the children finished napping. She prepared supper, took time to spend singing with the children and playing hide and go seek. It was Hannah's newest favorite game and she was quite good at it to. Tommy, who had been in the fields with his father came in in time to play with them.

Payton left the three older children playing their game and took Grace into the kitchen to finish her cooking. She lay her in the floor on a blanket between the two rooms as she made her way back and forth carrying dishes to the table. All day though she couldn't keep her eyes from wandering over to her tiny infant daughter. She couldn't help but feel an ache in her chest remembering the hurtful mean things Mrs. Banks had said. She also knew that, like Doris had said, Mrs. Banks wouldn't be the only one who would say and feel this way. That hurt even more. Payton made herself busy so she continued to set the table. She knew Joshua would be up to the house soon and He would be ready to eat as soon as he came in.

She was right. He came inside lugging all three children. Hannah and Tommy wrapped around his legs and Nate in his arms. Even though things had been tense between the two of them Payton still caught her breath when she saw him with her children. How much love he showered them with. He never once complained about them. She caught herself staring at him and so did Joshua. He smiled at her, as if to say he missed her. Payton cleared her throat and turned from one side to the other trying to find something to do. Every thing was set so she asked them to all wash up. The children ran to the pump. "Watch out for the baby!" she told them as they all but jumped over her.

Joshua walked over to where Grace lay in the floor and got down on his hands and knees. "Hello there angel." he said and Payton watched as she focused in on her father. Joshua bent down and kissed her on the cheek, "You are so beautiful. Do you know that? I'm gonna clean my guns real good when them boys start coming around." he said. Grace smiled at him and Payton choked back tears. It broke her heart to think that Grace would never have a home of her own and know what it was to find love. Joshua laughed, "Did you see that?!" he exclaimed, "She smiled at me! She smiled at me!" Payton covered her mouth with her hand as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was such an amazing smiled. So beautiful...

Joshua scooped her up in his hands, not caring that he hadn't washed up yet. "Wow!" he twirled her around the room. "You smiled! Do it again! Do it again!" The children came running back into the room.

Hannah pouted, "I thought she was gonna smile at me first, momma?"

Payton lay a comforting hand on  her shoulder and whispered, "But look how happy papa is. You wounldn't want him to miss out on that kind of happiness would you?"

Hannah, still pouting shook her head. "But I play with her so much. I wanted her to smile at me."

"She will. She'll smile again. I'll bet you make her smile all the time. Probably more than any of the rest of us do."

Hannah was comforted and Payton got everyone settled down for the evening meal.

Every one was eating when Joshua asked, "Did you have company today?"

Payton stopped chewing her food and stared at him.

"I thought I saw Mrs. Banks' fancy horse and buggy here." he smiled.

Payton swallowed a mouthful of beans, "Uh, yes she stopped by."

Joshua laughed, "I'm sure she had a lot to say." he winked at his wife, "Did she catch you up on all the goings on in town?"

Payton tried to smiled, "She talked."

"Gossipped is more like it I'm sure." he said under his breath. "She didn't stay very long."

"Doris was here to." Payton said as if it were the reason which wasn't a complete untruth.

Joshua laughed a little, "You make it sound like Doris made her leave."

"Oh did I?" she asked, "I didn't mean to. The children were down for a nap and I had so much to do...."

Joshua smiled at her and winked, "You don't have to explain anything to me where that woman is involved. I would have been looking for jobs to do myself had I been you. If she would spend a little more time worried about doing the Lord's business than everyone else's it would do her some good."

"Yes, I suppose." was all Payton said.

Joshua couldn't help but wonder if he would ever restore his relationship with his wife. They couldn't even carry on a simple conversation at the diner table anymore.

That night he tried to persuade Payton to be intimate with him but she made an excuse about the baby. The next three nights it was the same and so finally Joshua gave up. Joshua climbed in the bed and told himself he had lived without a wife for ten years and if he had to do it again he would. He had his kids to keep him company now if Payton wouldn't. Even though it broke his heart that she didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

Payton sat in the rocker and rocked Grace. She watched Joshua's back as it rose and fell as he slept. She let her tears fall freely. She missed her husband. She wanted nothing more than to climb into bed next to him and curl up in his arms. She wanted to feel the weight of his arms around her and know the comfort that nothing could harm her.... Yet, she wouldn't let herself enjoy the pleasure of her husband. If she let her wall down  he would know she was hiding something and it would only be a matter of time before he figured out what it was.  She couldn't let that happen. She needed to protect him. Also she couldn't help but fear that if she were intimate with Joshua she would get pregnant again and if they had another baby like Grace she wasn't sure she could handle it. Not that she didn't love Grace but she wasn't sure she could handle the care of two babies and what would people say then? They would know something was wrong with one of them... No, she couldn't allow this to happen again and only one thing would keep it from happening. She only regretted that she was hurting Joshua. She could see the pain and confusion in his eyes when he looked at her. She heard the hurt in his voice when they spoke. He finally had stopped asking her what was wrong and had just accepted she wasn't going to tell him.

Payton cried and felt so alone, even though Grace slept in her arms and Joshua slept only a few feet away. Their house was full and yet she was alone. No one to talk to, no one to cry to... She knew Doris would listen but  if she spoke to Doris about any of this she would insist they tell Joshua and Payton would rather sleep on a bed of nails or walk across hot coals before she placed such a burden and hurt on his shoulders. So instead she sat alone in her rocker and cried. She didn't even feel the goodness of the Lord any more. She was sure he had turned away from her since she had turned away from him... She was completely alone to bear her burden. She quietly sobbed and looked down at Grace's face. Payton would die before she allowed anyone to hurt such a precious innocent baby... She would gladly suffer alone if she spared the ones she loved the hurt she was feeling right now.