The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

chapter 18

Grace was now a week old and she still hadn't quite figured out how to nurse. Payton knew that something wasn't right but she kept thinking that maybe Grace would get better. Maybe she just needed a little time. She was a couple of weeks early after all.. Payton was still confined to the upstairs and so she had long periods of time where she was alone with the baby and she studied her. Grace slept a lot, as did many newborns but when she slept she had sort of a rattled snore. It wasn't something her other children done either and it worried her that maybe she was going to just stop breathing suddenly. Doris was back and forth, up and down checking on her and the children and running the house. Joshua was back in the fields. There still had not been any rain. Malissia had come over once since the day Grace was born and Payton noticed she seemed uneasy that day.

Doris rarely held Grace but then again she was very busy with the chores around here... Payton knew that something was off but Joshua didn't't seem to notice anything. She had tried to bring it up to him when Grace was three days old but he brushed it off......

"Joshua, I'm worried about Grace." she told him.

"Why? She seems healthy to me." he replied as he made circles around the room holding her.

"She still hasn't figured out how to nurse and her tongue...."

"She'll catch on." Joshua told her. His attention focused back on the baby and the conversation was over.

Payton had not attempted another conversation about Grace and how bothered she was over certain tings since then. Payton looked down at the baby. Why did she look so different? Why did her tongue hang out like that? Why didn't't she seem very alert when she was awake? these questions plagued her. They woke her up in the middle of the night and kept her from sleeping. Why did Doris do everything in her power to keep from holding the baby? Was she afraid of her? And Malissia that day, she had acted like she didn't't want to hold her either. She had acted so strange... Payton's head began to ache as she thought about this.

If there was something wrong with her maybe if they took her to a doctor he could fix it. Maybe there was some medication to help. Maybe she was just so early that she needed time to recover. Maybe her due date wasn't two weeks away maybe it had been more... Who really knows those kinds of things?

Payton's thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking on the door. Doris poked her head in. "Are you awake?" she asked.

"Yes come in." Payton told her sitting up in the bed some.

"Hannah wanted to come up and visit with you and Grace." she told her. "I'm putting Nate down for a nap and Tommy has went out to help Joshua...."

"Oh." Payton said, "Let her in." Doris opened the door wider, now Payton could see Nate on her hip. "Hi Nate!" she said waving at the boy.

He squealed and waved his hands. He clapped them and excitedly slapped Doris' shoulder. Hannah pushed her way past the door and skipped over to the bed. "Can I sit with you?" Hannah asked,her rag doll dragging the floor behind her.

"Of course you can." Payton said, "Just be careful of Grace." she slid the baby over closer to her.

Doris smiled at her. "Okay then..." she said turning to leave the room.

"Doris?" Payton asked.

"Yes?"

"Uh... I uh... Grace still hasn't figured out how to nurse. Why do you think it's taking so long?"

Doris looked everywhere but at Payton, 'I'm sure she'll get it. I told you that sometimes it takes longer and some babies just don't get it right off..."

Payton sighed, she wanted to ask her if Grace looked different to her because her heart wouldn't let her. If she asked and Doris said she did, then what? Then they tell Joshua that something was wrong with her... No it would break his heart. She would just keep quiet.

"Is that all?" Doris asked and Payton knew that Doris knew. But what was there to say? Nothing, as long as no one said anything Grace was still a normal little baby....

"Yes, I would like to say thank you for everything." Payton said.

Doris quietly closed the door and Payton looked at her two daughters in the bed next to her. Her heart broke, what kind of life would Grace have? If there was something wrong her, something that couldn't be fixed....

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It felt so nice to be up and out of the bed. Payton was so ready to get back to normal life. She was bent over pulling the covers up when Joshua came in. He was shirtless with a towel slung over his shoulder, shaving cream spread all over his face. Payton's breath caught, she had forgotten how handsome her husband was.

"Are you sure your up for a full day?" he asked her.

"Time will tell..." she said.

Joshua walked over to the basin, took the razor blade from it's leather pouch and began carefully, dragging it across his face. Payton watched until Grace started fussing in the cradle. Joshua had built a tiny cradle to lay her in. It even had rockers on it. Payton rocked it back and forth and when that didn't quiet her she lifted her from the bed and sat down to feed her.

She was catching on a little more but still wasn't really good at it yet. Both Payton and Grace would be drenched with milk by the time she was finished. It took much longer to feed her too. She had to stop and catch her breath. It was almost like she couldn't figure out how to eat and breathe out of her nose at the same time.

Joshua finished shaving and wiped his face down. He turned and watched his wife and daughter. It was the most beautiful thing to see in the morning. To him the rising sun didn't' hold a candle to his wife feeding their child. "I just still can't believe she's here and she's ours...." he told her coming over to touch the baby's cheek as she ate. Doing so caused her to jerk her head back and loose the nipple. She let out a long low cry. Joshua laughed but Payton didn't think it was so funny. It was hard enough to nurse her without distraction. She held her tongue though, knowing Joshua had never had the privilege to watch a baby nurse before.

Joshua kissed them both and left the room to start his morning chores. So, Payton was surprised to see him back in her room five minutes later. "Doris is down stairs starting breakfast, so take your time." he pulled the door closed and she could hear him as he whistled his way down the stairs.

Suddenly Payton burst into tears. She was so mad at Doris and grateful to her at the same time. She looked down at Grace in her arms and began to sob. What was wrong with her? Why didn't she stay awake for longer periods of time? Why didn't she know how to nurse? Why was she like this? Suddenly a thought struck her, 'What had she done? What had she done to cause this? There had to be a reason she was different. Payton might have done this to her... Guilt flooded her. She had hurt their baby.

Tears spilled from her eyes. She couldn't deny it anymore, there was something wrong with her and now she knew why. It was her fault. She had done something wrong when she was carrying her. She had done something that hurt Grace. Payton looked down at her little girl and touched her fetchers. She loved her, she would never not love her. She put Grace down in her cradle and sat down next to it. She lay her face on the side and cried. Grace had already fallen back to sleep.

 She couldn't tell Joshua, he would hate her. He would know it was her fault too. He would blame her just as she blamed herself... He would never forgive her for what she had done... Payton sat up and wiped her tears. She didn't want anyone else to know she was sick. She would just keep her here, at home. If no one else saw her they wouldn't know and then no one could tell Joshua. He would figure it out one day but maybe by then she would have figured out how to make her better... yes it was best to not tell him and to simply keep her here, hid away from everyone else. No one need know...

It was a silly thought she knew but she couldn't think of any other way to protect them all. There hadn't been but three or four visitors since she was born. And maybe they hadn't noticed. Maybe it was all going to be okay.