The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

Chapter 11

Payton didn't really understand what was happening. She and Thomas had never really had words like she and Joshua had just had. Joshua took the water from the stove and poured it into a basin and washed her cold feet. The water burned and she pulled her foot back. Joshua simply took his hands and rubbed it, trying to get the circulation flowing again. He hadn't said a word since his apology. She didn't know weather to question him or not. So she decided to wait.  Later she would realize it was worth her time to wait on him to speak.

"I'm sorry." he said again. He looked up at her, "I didn't mean... and when I saw you out there alone... I just... Oh, Payton, you make me crazy." he smiled. "I love you so much. I just I can't face the thought of loosing you..."

"Joshua, I'm here. You've never lost me..."

"But I might.... this baby...." he shook his head, "You can't promise me that it will all turn out okay... Can you?"

"No, I can't." she told him. "But that is where faith comes into the picture, Joshua. We have to have faith that God knows what is best for us in or lives..."

"Payton. I know God knows best and all to well that his way isn't always our way...." he sighed and let her foot fall into the water to soak up its warmth. He looked up at her, "I don't want you to think that every thing I do has to do with Eliza but this one does...." He waited and watched her face as it changed from one emotion to another. Hurt. Anger. Hurt. Confusion.

"I know you don't understand Payton. Let me explain the best I can. Well, let me try." he told her. "Eliza was a healthy young woman. Then she got expecting with MY baby. She had a very tough pregnancy and well, you know how it ended. Eliza and the baby both died. She never had the baby. It was just to big to be born and it killed her. MY BABY KILLED  HER."

Payton reach down and touched his cheek. "Don't say that..."

"It did. If the baby hadn't of been so big... Well, she could have had it and maybe lived. The baby too."

"Joshua, I thought you had dealt with this. I thought you understood it wasn't your fault. I thought you understood it was just God's plan..."

"I do! But what about if it's God's plan for the same thing to happen again? I don't think I can survive that again...." He put his face in her lap then. "I love you so much." he told her

She saw him close his eyes against the tears that spilled from his closed lids. She stroked his hair trying to comfort him with her touch. "Joshua." she said softly, "I am not Eliza..."

"I know."

"I have had three healthy children and although Nate's birth was difficult, we both survived."

Joshua lifted his head from her lap and took her hands in his. He studied her hands for a moment and then he finally looked up at her. "But you didn't have MY baby any of those times. What if you can't have MY baby either?"

Payton stoked his cheek and wiped his tears with her hand. "Joshua." she said as emotion flooded her. "I won't make promises I can't keep but I will tell you that I don't think God brought us together just to take us away from one another so soon. We have been through so much and over come so many obstacles for this to be it." She bent and kissed his forehead. "But if this is it... It won't be OUR baby that takes my life but God. He chooses who lives and who dies. It's not decided by one man and the women who have his children. Joshua I'm so happy to be able to give you a child of your own."

"I love your children as my own. I don't need my own child.." he told her

"God thinks you do and so do I."

Joshua wrapped his arms around her. "I can't say I am happy." he said, his lips only inches from her ear. "But I have accepted it. I have to. This is one thing I do not have a choice in and I know it hurt you to think I didn't want this. I am so sorry I hurt you. I hope you understand that I only meant I didn't want you to have my baby because I wanted to protect you from what Eliza suffered....and she did suffer, Love... She suffered greatly and I stood by and did nothing... I can't...." he shook his head unable to speak anymore.

Payton hugged him close to her and let him hold her. "I love Joshua. Please never shut me out again. We are husband and wife, helpmates to one another... Let me be your helpmate."