Distastefully In Love

Chapter 19: It's not me...

Alas, her feelings have finally caught up wit her.

Before they were running behind her, stepping on her heels, grabbing her by her shirt tail, pulling on the ends of her hair—they were irritating and present, but now they have captivated her. She's caught in their net—their frisky little webbing that is nearly impossible to detract herself from. She was once free as a bird, and now, here she is, the senseless fly stuck in the web.

Somewhere along the line, she had learned to admire Toby Cavanaugh. His annoying, irritating, aspects have somehow developed into something positive. Like, for example, his undying persistence at the whole law school thing. He's pretty unpractical, sure, but also widely ambitious and caring. He has been the only person to ever push her towards her dreams. Caleb thought being a lawyer was her dream, not that she blamed him. Aria was too wrapped up in her own dreams to take notice, and Hanna was too unfocused to really see her dread of law.

Except that wasn't the only thing. If that was the only thing, she wouldn't feel anything. No, it was everything else combined—the things she understood, and the things she did not. It was him, simply. It was just he in himself, and there was no way of pin pointing it. It was just him. He was annoying sometimes, and too serious in some ways; occasionally judgmental, but even in those instances, she liked him. And it wasn't how she liked Caleb, or anyone for that matter, it was all messy and intense, and nonsensical, but meaningful at the same time. It made no sense.

And maybe she felt this all before, too. Maybe if she had let herself think about it, she would have pondered upon these thoughts ages ago. But she is just now ready to accept them. But accepting them is completely different than voicing them aloud.

Maybe it is more than acceptance, maybe it is about that four letter word that is widely overused by teenagers and pop culture movies—that word that she has always been afraid to use because of its power; its definition; its meaning. Everything about it is just so fragile. L-o-v-e is fragile. It's easily broken. It's like a new born baby—to be handled with care. It is necessary to be gentle with it, or it will break. It will break, and you're heart will break with it. Love is a fragile, flimsy thing, just waiting to be broken—waiting to fall apart. That's why Spencer stays away from it. She isn't gentle enough to handle the emotion. Her edges are sharp, her hands are shaky—she always ends up screwing up in relationships.

But love isn't something you can control. It just happens. It roots up from yourself, and once that happens, it's your job to nurture it. Sometimes people let it wilt—they ignore it until it falls apart, making themselves a little less whole—taking life from their soul.

She isn't sure why this feeling has rooted up from her. They've had sex before? Why did this one bring forth an epiphany?

She had ended up persuading him into coming back with her, and from there, everything just got really slow. Not slow in a sluggish way, but more of a sensual way. It was graceful, somewhat. Unlike all the other times, which were much more rushed and messy. It seemed perfect, almost. And then he ended up falling asleep beside her.

It wasn't the first time, but like all the other times, it wasn't on purpose. He was just lying there, about to leave when his eyes shut. Spencer didn't have the heart to wake him up.

She hasn't been sleeping well the last couple weeks. Ever since her father's passing she has been suffering a wide load of insomnia. She's exhausted, but her mind is too strung up on the world to rest.

Most nights she just lies awake, thinking of the reasons on why her father would sign the DNR papers. Or she thinks about law school. It is kind of morbid, but since her father's passing, she has felt almost free. Like, she could do whatever she wanted to do because her father would not be there to condemn it. Sure, there's her mother. But her mother has always somewhat been more understanding of these types of things. Maybe she could do something other than law. People change their majors all the time, right?