Love Hate: Her Shaken Heart

Chapter 64: Too Much Pain

                Hindi ko na alam ang isasagot ko kay Juan. This is too much. Napaatras na lang ako nang tanungin niya ako kung bibigyan ko pa ba siya ng isa pang chance. Chance na naman? Hindi ba niya alam na hindi gano’n kadali ang magbigay ng chance.

                “The show has ended. Ayaw na naming ma-suspend ulit kaya p’wede na kayong magsipunta sa mga klase niyo. Study hard, people!” rinig kong sigaw ni Cheska sa mga tao. Hindi ko na napansin na dumating na pala sila ni Karl. Nakita kaya nila 'yung ginawa ni Juan? Kung oo, magtataka pa ba sila sa kung ano ang isasagot ko?

                “Juan, thank you for what you’ve done for me today,” nakangiting sabi ko, pero kaagad kong binawi ang ngiti ko nang sagutin ko ang tanong niya. “I can’t… I just can’t give you another chance,” naiiyak na sabi ko.

                “What? Of all the effort I made, your answer is no?” Halatang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko, pero iyon ang totoo. “Just one last chance, Millicent. I’ll do better. I promise,” he said holding up his right hand.

                “Still, no,” maikling sagot ko.

                Naramdaman ko na lang ang pahawak niya sa dalawang balikat ko. “Then tell me why. Tell me the reason. Dahil ba ito sa amin ni Meg? You know I don’t love her. Oo, nabuntis ko siya. Kasalanan ko iyon. But that doesn’t change my feelings for you,” sabi niya. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa balikat ko kaya napilitan akong tanggalin iyon.

                “This is not because the things you made with Meg. Na-realize kong hindi talaga tayo para sa isa’t isa. Yes, you love me and I loved you too, but you caused too much pain to me. Pain that makes me fall out of love with you.”

                “But you complete me and when we, people, find that one person who completes us, we don’t just give up. No matter how bad we screwed up. I don’t want to give you up. I want to make it right, Millicent,” he said.

                Nilapitan niya ako, pero umatras ako. I can’t let him touch me. I’m afraid that if he touched me, I’d just take back all the things I’ve said. “Juan, you make me want to change everything. You want to change everything about me. I just can’t.” Sinimulan ko nang punasahan ang nagwawalang luha sa mga mata ko. “No, Juan. I can’t give you another chance. You can’t have me now that you lost me. If you didn’t fight for what you want, don’t cry for what you’ve lost.”

                “What about us?”

                “There was never an us, Juan, since day one.” Hindi niya ako p’wedeng tanungin kung paano na kami dahil kahit kailan walang naging ‘kami’. Ako na ang lumapit sa kanya at saka ko hinawakan ang magkabilang pisngi niya. “One day, you will meet someone and you’ll change for her. She’ll be the one you can’t live without. Mabibigay niya 'yung love na hinahanap mo. Maipakikilala mo siya sa magulang mo at sa lahat ng tao. She’ll be more important than anyone or anything else. Kapag nangyari iyon, malalaman mo kung ano ba itong sinasabi ko. I’m just not her, Juan. I will never be her,” I said as I kissed him for one last time.

                Lumayo na ako sa kanya at saka ako naglakad palapit kila Cheska. “Millicent, wait!” rinig kong sigaw ni Juan, pero sinenyasan ako ni Karl na siya na ang bahala.

                Niyakap at pinunasan ni Cheska ang luha ko habang hinihintay namin si Karl. “You just did what you think the best for all of us,” bulong sa akin ni Cheska.

                “I can’t lose her, Karl,” rinig kong sabi ni Juan kay Karl. “I can’t!”

                “No’ng nakita mo siya kanina, did her eyes light up when she saw you? Did she smile the minute she saw you? You don’t get to her like you used to. You’re just a bad memory for her. Hindi ka dapat nagulat kung bakit ganito na siya ngayon sayo. You see when she walked to us? She didn’t even glance back to you. She’s fighting the same losing battle. The worst part is you have no one to blame, but yourself. Binigyan ka niya ng chance. Chances you asked for and you just fucked up everytime. Looks like you’ve lost her, bro.” Lalo pa akong naiyak dahil sa sinabi ni Karl sa kaibigan niya. “I’m sorry, but I think I have to do this.”