Loving You is Hard, Especially When I Hate You.

'Everything It Will Be Okay'

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CHAPTER 35

I was sat in bed with my music blaring. Everything seemed better when I was just listening to music. Everything seemed to just slip away from me for those 3 to 4 minutes. Nothing in the real world really matter. It was just me and my music. I tapped along to the beat of 'Pretty Face' by Sóley. It was such a beautiful song. I closed my eyes letting the chorus ring through my ears. Everything was so peaceful till the people above us started blaring their music in protest to mine. I sighed getting up and grabbing my phone off the dock. I slipped on my shoes and threw on my jacket. I walked into the living room to see Josh asleep on the couch. I sighed pecking him on the check and grabbing my helmet. I walked out of the flat, I needed to get away for a bit. To escape and think things through, and I most certainly wasn't going to get that when my neighbors were blaring their music also.

I threw my hair up into a sloppy pony tail and hopped on my bike. I knew exactly where I was going, it was the place I went when ever I was upset- which in the past 6 months had happened a lot- the only place that was always quite and had an extra room open. The Dance studio. I loved that place. And most of the time they had a room open that no one used. When I got to the building I parked on the side of the street and walked in. I went to the very back past the rooms with kids learning steps to their new steps. I remember being one of those kids. Wanting to learn everything all at once. Not being patient enough to learn the basics. I guess all that time getting pushed by my mother to keep at it really paid off. I opened to the door to the last room on the hall and turned on the lights. It was one of the basic rooms, a giant mirror covering one wall and a ballet bar across it. I found the dock they had in the room and put on my music. 'Natalie Walk- Colour Blind' came on.

I closed my eyes and let the music move through my body. I wasn't even sure if it looked good. I just let myself feel the emotions I was feeling. Everything that was frustrating me was shown in my movements. Everything I wanted to get out I did throughout the song. It felt good to finally let out my feelings. My love life, my anger towards Liam and Delilah, and mostly my confusion. Liam has shown that he hates me, but he also showed me compassion and worry last night. I didn't understand a single thing about that boy. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't realize it had ended. I looked up into the mirror panting when I heard the clapping. I turned around quickly to see Liam. He stepped towards me and I took a step back.

“Liam... wh- what are you doing.. here?” I said breathlessly. He pulled a water bottle out of his plastic bag and handed it to me.

“I.. uh.. was across the street at the store and saw you walk in, you looked... upset? So I just thought I’d come and check on you.” he said scratching the back of his neck. I opened to bottle taking a sip.

“Why do you care? I thought you hated me?” he shook his head looking a bit annoyed.

“Rennie I’ve told you before and I'll tell you again. I could never and would never hate you.”

“so you just.. have strong disliking towards me?” he shook his head sighing.

“no, Rennie. I don't hate you and I don't dislike you.”

“then why-”

“i don't know, and I'm sorry, i'm so sorry for being such a dick, for yelling at you.. that night. For making you feel that way. For sleeping with you when I should have just stopped it, for blaming you the next morning. I'm sorry for every stupid thing I ever did to you. Everything I did was horrible. And the worse thing was I thought I was doing you a favour. I thought you deserved better so maybe if you hated me... maybe if you did then you could go out and find someone better. Someone you deserved.” he mumbled to the ground. Occasionally he would look up into my tear filled eyes but then quickly look down. It all made since now. It all made since why he pushed me away. But it was still a stupid excuse. He was so good for me before. If that fight never happened we might still be together. We might be celebrating our anniversary like Suz and Darren right now. Who knows. Who knows what would happen.