The Entire Ocean in a Drop

Chapter 13

Hearing those words come out of the boy, who's laughter could be heard from miles away, who seemed to find joy in the darkest moments, and the boy who couldn't take off that witty smile off his face, for the few days I had known him. So, naturally I felt not only shocked and surprised but also a sense of something else. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was something else that I felt as he said those words.

"Oh.", Came my tactless, late reply.

The truth was, I had no idea what exactly to say. I was literally speechless, as I sat there motionless, unable to conjure up some sort of reasonable thing to say in this situation.

It was extremely hard for me to relate or even partially identify with Finn and his loss, and just now I began to realize that.

I have never lost someone close to me.

Well, there had been that one time when my grandpa died, but what could I have known and felt at the age of 5. At that age, I couldn't even have known what a funeral was and what all those mourning faces were sad about. I barely got the time to know my grandpa, so what could I have possibly cried about or even been sad about. All I cared about that time was probably how many animal crackers I got a day.

That's when I felt it again. That same feeling of something else. Something else entirely different. And, now I knew what it was. It was the feeling of gratification.

I suddenly felt like I was the most luckiest person right now, one of those overly-privileged kids.

I had both of my parents, happily married to each other, a nice and safe neighborhood, in which all my friends lived and a brother and sister, who, as much as I hated them, I still loved them to no end.

I had never felt the grief and despair that clouds over you when you lose a loved one. I had never felt how it feels to want someone so bad that it actually aches your heart in agony, when you know you never could have them back.

And, I never wanted to feel like that.

Ever.

After, getting over the depression of feeling at fault of Onyx's wheelchair accident, and even that wasn't comparable to having someone you love just vanish forever, I had never felt that dreaded remorse feeling. I was lucky not to.

Now, as I sat there, in that dusty old smelly truck, with the boy who could make me feel such feelings and think such thoughts, I wanted to take back all the negative things I thought about or said, about my, very own, very alive,

mother.

"You know, it's not true what they say." Finn announced abruptly, his emerald green eyes seemed to be in another universe, another world as he stared off in the distance from the car window.

"About not knowing what you have until it's gone."

His voice sounded almost like empty vastness, like a huge field of green crops and plants, slowly deserted.

I wasn't quite too sure whatever, he was talking to me or no one in particular, or maybe he was talking to himself, but either way, I listened anyways.

"You do know what you have, all along, you know.", This time, he turned around to look at me. I guess he was, talking to me.

"You just never thought you would lose it."

That, was when I noticed his eyes.

He was crying.

I could see the tears building up in the corners of his eyes. The, once beautiful coloured green eyes, that held so much laughter and bliss, just minutes ago, with no hint of any pain of sadness.

Now, were on the verge of tears, the pain and hurt clearly visible in his eyes.

It nearly broke my heart.

"What about Cammy?", I questioned quietly, not wanting to ruin this sensitive topic.

"Cammy's my mom's sister, but she cared and loved me like a mother ever since I was born.", Finn explained in a monotone voice, as if he had told this story one to many times.

"And, my dad, he was always too busy with his work to even take care of his only child."

"I'm sorry.", I automatically said, meaning it more than ever.

"I'm sorry that I can't even relate or understand what you're going through. "

And, it was more than the truth. I could never understand or even imagine the way he felt everyday. Knowing that, while other kids grew up with the love and care of their mother, he couldn't even remember his own mother's face, his mother's touch, his mother's favourite food and favourite song.

He could never know.

As I felt the saltiness of my tears race down my face, I truly felt more than lucky at having the most essential thing a person could have. A mother.

I felt a warm hand lace around my fingers. At that second, I felt a sudden sharp ting at the bottom of my stomach, as I realized who was holding my hand. There could only be one other person.

I looked over at Finn, and found out I wasn't the only one looking.

Those enchanting eyes of his stared back at me, slowing regaining it's charm and magic glow. I intertwined my fingers even tighter and closer to his hand, loving the millions of butterflies that ruptured in my stomach.

Slowly, ever so slowly, that trademark smile, returned back to it's original place, on Finn Jone's face.

That moment felt perfect. Just the two of us, alone in the middle of the night, nowhere to go and in the middle of nowhere. We sat together, sharing something no one else knew, our hands and fingers still glued together, and our faces staring into each other, as his smile grew larger, but never reaching his eyes.

His hands wiped away the sudden tears that flew down my cheeks, and when I thought that that moment couldn't get any better, he started talking.

"You should see yourself cry. You look like your having a seizure or something."

And, he ruined it.

"Oh my god!", I whined, kicking my feet and hands absentmindedly at Finn. "You ruined everything!"

As, Finn tried to block my incoming kick and punches, that were too widely missed that it was not hard to block them. He repeatedly laughed that annoying laugh, saying he was sorry, in between his breaths.

And, here was the Finn that I knew. A immature 16-year old boy who took nothing seriously, who thought laughing at his own stupid jokes was too funny and who could turn anything from a heartbreaking, and wistful moment to something from a so-stupid-it's-funny, comedy sitcom.

And, only now I found out that he kept all that grief inside him, too scared to let someone in to that ugly part of his life. Or, maybe it was the other way around.

Maybe, he was actually brave enough, to not let his horrible past get in the way of who he was. Maybe, he was so strong that it made him weak.