Day and Night

Ch. 21 Sinking Man

* Cold, dark sea

wrapping its arms around me

pulling me down to the deep

All eyes on me*

                                                -Of Monsters and Men *Sinking Man*

Chapter 21

Awkward. This is so very, very awkward. If I’d known this was how it was going to be then I never would have let Dace taken me anywhere. Hell, I’d have suggested that the two of us take the next train as far as possible just to avoid it. Although, Dace probably wouldn’t have played along anyway. He’s known for being sensible. Funny that he loves me, the person that comes up with the worst, unrealistic ideas ever. Maybe opposites do attract. That or he’s just stupider than I thought.

I almost tell him this, but then I remember that I’m not looking or talking to anyone right now. I’ve literally been staring at my hands, clenched in my lap, for years. A quick glance at the clock out of the corner of my eye shows that it’s actually only been a minute. Hmm, it definitely seemed like more than that.

“So, what the hell?” Keaton breaks the silence finally. Unlike me he hasn’t been avoiding eye contact at all, but has been staring a hole into my father with his cold eyes. He’s pissed. He has every right to be and so do I, but I realize with a start that I’m more sad than anything. My anger had faded without me even noticing.

After leaving the cemetery with Dace, he drove me back to where all the parents were waiting. Upon seeing me, Mads tackled me in a hug, which was unexpected but definitely not unwelcome. Then we all headed into their house and gathered in the living room, where we sit now.

“Maybe we should give you guys some time alone,” James suggests. Mads, Dace, and Wesley all rise to their feet at the same time and start heading out into the hall. I send Dace a pained look, but he only gives a sympathetic nod before leaving me to the wolves. Okay, my dad is actually the furthest thing from a wolf with his graying hair, glasses, and being hunched over with grief. Still, it doesn’t make me feel any less abandoned.

“Well?” Keaton demands with an impatient look that says he two seconds from getting up and storming out of here unless my dad gives him a good enough reason to stay.

“What can I say that will make this better? I never meant to hurt either of you. It had nothing to do with you, I just…,” he trails off miserably.

“You just what? You just what, Dad?” Keaton snaps, voice rising. I can see my Dad look at me out of the corner of my eye as if looking for support, but I can’t give him any. Instead I just keep staring at my hands.

“I just didn’t know what to do without your mom! She held everything together and after she…after she…she…” He can’t say it. All this time and he still can’t even say it.

“Died. After she died,” I say softly. My father sags further in his seat, looking horribly lost. I hate seeing him this way. My dad was always someone I thought of as strong and reliable, but he right now he is so overcome with grief that he doesn’t even come close.

“I know that you needed me and that I wasn’t there. I can’t ever change that no matter how much I wish I could. And I’m sorry for that. I’m so, so sorry,” he says and without even looking I can tell that he is crying. Whether it’s grief for my mother, fear of losing us, or something else I don’t know. Either way it kills me.

I’d been so angry and upset about how what he did affected me that I never really thought about what he must have been going through to get to that point. No matter what’s going on and no matter what I tell myself in my anger, I know that my father loves me. He would have been there for Keaton and I if he could have been. But he was just so lost in his sadness and pain that he couldn’t save himself, let alone us. He loved my mom so much and that’s not something I should hate him for, but I just wish he had told us what he was going through. Then again maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in my own life and drama I would have noticed.