Day and Night

Ch. 20 Shake it out

*And I've been a fool

And I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind*

                                    -Florence + the Machine *Shake it out*

Chapter 20

The shrill whistle of the train blew as it pulled away from the station. It was on to bigger and better places, but not me. I remained an outsider looking in on the train as it left me in the dust. I was stupid in thinking that it could change a thing for me. Being a thousand miles away wouldn’t alleviate my unhappiness. Might as well deal with the pain I’m feeling in a familiar place than some place new.

And so this is how I found myself in Groverfield Cemetery instead of on a train to Ohio. I’m not sure what it was that drew me there. In all honesty, I’d done my best to stay away from this place for quite some time now. My mother’s funeral was the last time I’d been here. That day was one of the hardest of my life and I’d had no desire to come back until now, on the second hardest day of my life.

Even though I hadn’t been here I had no trouble finding my mother’s gravestone. It looked exactly the same as it had the last time I’d been here, except that there were fresh flowers laid in front of it now. I sit down before it, looking at the flowers with curiosity. Did my dad put them there? Or was it Keaton? Or someone else entirely? I felt like I should know.

“What do I do, Mom?” I asked mournfully, putting my head in my hands.

She didn’t answer, of course. That would be an all new kind of crazy, even for me.

Although, I have to admit I was sort of hoping that by coming here everything would suddenly become clear. Like what I had to do next. However, this didn’t seem to be the case. Instead I just added the sadness of losing my mom to the sadness of all the other stuff that’s going on. Maybe I should’ve went to Ohio after all.

The only good thing about being here, though, was that I did actually feel closer to my mother. I knew that it was really only her body that was here, but still. It felt like maybe a part of her was, too. Or maybe that was just my hope deluding me. Either way, I was in no rush to leave. Using my backpack as a pillow, I laid down to wait. For what I was waiting for I’m not sure. Something, though. I was definitely waiting for something.

* * *

Without meaning to I fell asleep. When I wake up it’s to a night sky full of twinkling stars. Most people would probably be afraid to be in a cemetery alone at night, but not me. Okay, the cemetery part is a little creepy, but the night has always been my favorite. I never even realized how much I truly loved it before, until this moment as I lie beneath the stars and moon.

My body is cramped with the stiffness of sleeping on the hard ground, but I don’t move. I stay just like that, trying to hold on to the little piece of the night sky that’s found me tonight. Even though it’s still above me with no signs of leaving, I can already feel it slipping away into the harshness that daylight brings.

An unknown amount of time passes when suddenly I hear footsteps approaching. Then there’s a sigh of relief and the footsteps quicken. I don’t bother looking at who it is, it’s too late to run by now. And honestly I’m too tired to try.

“Took me awhile, but I finally realized that if there was anywhere you‘d go it‘d be here.”

I didn’t even glance up. There was no point. I’d know that voice anywhere.

“How did you even know to look?” I ask Dace, still staring up at the sky.

“Your father called, seemed pretty worried about you,” Dace replies and I shrug. My father was only worried because it was his fault. Hell, he’d probably be happy if I disappeared. He’d just about said as much by purposely avoiding me for the last few months.