A little bit of wisdom

Those Bitter-Sweet Memories

The memories of someone you love, when you're so happy. And when you look back their bitter-sweet. At least they are to me. But maybe that's because I had so many people leave me. Not even dying, some did, others moved, and some just...we just grew apart. And I go back to those moments when I had them in my life.

Some of the happiest moment of my entire life. But there is always that little part of you that reminds you, you'll never have that again. Making the memory bitter and sad, but it's also sweet because of the happiness in the memory.

I always have that ghost of a smile when I think about it. You know the one, where the person looks like they're lost in their own world and have that small smile that lets you know it's a good memory. Sometimes though mine isn't like that. I'm smiling, but my eyes...they say I'm sad. Which is true. Thinking about it does get me upset, but I....I need to remember. It's such a big part of me. A part that i have to remember....even if it hurts.

Life is like that. Giving us such sweet moments only to rip them from you. Yep, she can be tricky like that. I always say she when I talk about life, or the night, or something that can be so sweet one second then evil the next. Not that all girls are like that. Or that guys aren't like that.

I just feel more comfortable when I say she. I get awkward when it comes to guys. So it's just easier for me to say that they're girls. Don't judge, okay?

Anyway, it's just those moment are...they're like paradise. But you know that you can't stay in paradise forever. And well something happens to ruin paradise.

This song reminds me of 2 people. Both guys. And yeah I guess since I said that you're probably think: she has a crush on them. And maybe I might, but it's not like I do. (Ha ha, confusing I know! That was the point!). So anyway, why I used this song.

Well one: I love Avril Lavigne's music. She's just awesome. And two: the people it reminds me of. One is a child hood friend. Yes, the guy that moved.

And I'm sorry if I bring him up a lot, but he's just made such a difference in my life. He made me believe i was smart when I though a chair was smarter than me. He made me feel pretty when looking in a mirror made me want to cry. He was...he was just....he was him. That honestly the only way i can explain it.

And while some of you may be thinking I'm in love with this boy, let me tell you something. He's gone. He's not with me anymore. As in he moved away. And I hope he's still alive, but I don't know. I'm pretty sure he is though.

Aside from my little blurd or nothing there, you might still be thinking I love him. And go ahead and think that. Because if I deny it you'll just use it against me. I know the truth and that's all that matters. And the lyrics say "I wish you were here" that's true. He was my best friend. So of course I would want him back. but I know he's not a part of my life anymore.

But I don't like thinking that. So instead I think: he's not a part of my life right now. See with that it seems like maybe he will be in the future. Everyone has that person that they just click with, someone that it seems like they were just made to be friends. That's what we were. We were suppose to be best friends. That much I know is true. If there was meant to be more....I guess I'll never know....

And now onto the other guy this song reminds me of. Only this guy I still know. And is still around. Like he's alive and is actually in the same town as me. And it's the beginning that reminds me of him. How it starts "I can be tough. I can be strong. But wit you, it's not like that at all."

That's how I feel around him. I feel like with everyone else I'm on edge. Always on guard. But with him...I let my defenses down. And in some cases, I wish I wasn't. But in others I'm glad I'm like that.

He's that confusing person. One where I can tell really serious things too and not so serious things to. I can go on about what I think is out there is space and my dreams or talk about nothing at all. He'll make fun of me about some stuff I tell him, but others he doesn't say anything about.

He confuses me. A lot. But I like that. With some people I know everything about them. But with him I'm always finding something new out. I mean I know a lot about him, but I seem to find something new out every week or so.

And I think I'm like that too. Only on a bigger level. As in you barely know the basics about me. And it's the funniest thing ever. I know something about someone, lets say their birthday, but they're just finding out mine this year.

I mean there is so much even i don't know about me. It's really interesting to me. ow I can know someone like the back of my hand, but I barely know myself. Is that normal? Is that weird?

I don't know. But I don't know if I care either. I know I'm kinda backwards in a lot of ways. Like caffeine and sugar makes me sleepy. They don't wake me up at all, they just make me sleepier. And I know that lullabies actually wake me up instead of putting me to sleep. In those ways I'm backwards.

Some people say I'm the most normal person they have ever met. And that makes me the weirdest person ever. Some people say I'm so deep and insightful yet sometimes I can barely even think of something 'smart' to say.

People are confusing. But I'm in a whole other ball park. I speak in tongues. And for those of you who don't know what that means....it means that I speak in riddles. Even when I don't mean to. I'm in this whole other level of confusing and complex. But I'm also the simplest person you'll ever meet. I'll let you wonder(yes, ponder is still my word. Deal with it.) about that for a moment.

And now, I know this is random. But I feel the need to say it. I hate it when people try to make you feel like you're the guilty one when it's really their fault. I mean that is just....it's just sad. And stupid. Why are you trying to put the blame one them when it's your fault?

And I just had to deal with that. It's so annoying!(BTW, I'm trying REALLY hard not to curse right now!!) Why in the world is it right for you to just make someone else feel bad about something you did? Just take credit for it. Not everything is someone else's  fault.

And that whole guilt thing is just low. Like it's sad you even pull it out low. And I hate it when parent do it. It just gets me piffed. And I hate it when people just keep coming back when for a while you just want to be alone. Like when you just want to yell at them to leave. I'm having those feelings right now.

Sorry, I just had to say it. Sometimes I just have to say it. And I'm sorry I had to here. Okay I'm getting really piffed and I don't want to start like cursing in this so I think I'll end it here.

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Author's Note

Sorry this one was cut short. It's just everything is starting to get on my nerves. Especially my laptop and parents. So I'm going to stop here. So I don't take it out on you people. But with my laptop and pillow luck. I have a feeling they're going to need it.