A little bit of wisdom

Good Enough

How do you know when you're good enough? Is it when people praise you? Or when you feel like you deserve praise?

You always know when you're not good enough though. So why is it so hard to know when you are good enough? And why aren't you good enough for some people? Sjouldn't being human be enough for anyone?

No one is perfect. No matter how hard you try. No one is, so everyone is the best they can be. Isn't that enough? But no, for some reason we have to prove ourselves even more. And you know what, I think it's stupid.

Why do we have to be better if we're trying our best? I have to deal with that. And I know how annoying and hurtful it is. To always be just below the good enough point. Always trying harder and harder. But never making it there.

My friends barely know about. I actually told them about it today. They had no clue. And I only told two. I actually asked them if they knew a trick to help you stop crying.(And if you know one can you please tell me? It would be a big help.) And they asked why.

So knowing them I knew I couldn't say nothing. Because that would only get them to ask more. I finding out it's better to just say what it is now. Well from now on.

So I told them. About how I'm not good enough. I didn't elaborate and they didn't really ask. And I'm glad they didn't. It's hard enough going through it, but then explaining it...I think it's worse. Not only do you have to remember it, but you also have to explain why and all those feelings come up again. And more because when you think about something after it happens...it just seems even bigger. Especially with feelings.

All that pain and sorrow and maybe even guilt comes back ten fold. More or less, but whatever. I miss those days when I could draw a rainbow and everyone would think it was the most beautiful thing ever. I know that they were just being nice, but it still makes me feel happy.

I did something so small and everyone thought it was amazing. Now I can't do that. I have to do something that's HUGE, to get that. But even when I do, it's still not enough. And I can't help but feel disappointed.

I never told anyone this, but...when I'm being told what I'm doing isn't good enough I feel my heart break a little more. The people who are suppose to tell me I'm great even when I fail are telling me I'm not good enough. And that hurts.

One time at a soccer game I was playing(obviously) and the ball hit my leg. I kicked to someone else up the field to get rid of it. Because it hurt. A LOT. Of course it only hurt for like 10 to 15 seconds, but if you play any sport you know that's all it takes to turn something around.

And after the game, my dad starts telling me how I could improve my skills. And normally it's nice, but I got the subtext. I didn't do good enough so I have to improve. That's what they are implying when they tell me how I could improve.

And to be honest, I'm shocked and hurt they don't think I was good enough. But I hide it easily. Pretend like I don't know what they really mean. All of that has made me a pretty good actor. I can be completely miserable, but still smile and act like everything is fine.

But as time goes by, I'm finding it harder to do. I don't want to pretend like I'm fine when I'm not. I want to be upset sometimes. I want to feel something besides fake happiness. And of course I have real happiness, but I'm not going to complain about that. That would be weird.

And I know I'm above and beyond in others eyes, and it's really sweet....but they aren't exactly the people I want saying those things. You know?

And you know what? I'm also tired of people telling me what to do. It's my life, not their's. How am I suppose to grow up and be my own person if I have someone telling me what to do every step of the way?

I can't wait to get out of here(like where I am, still not going to give any info about me out). Everywhere I go people expect me to be like someone. They expect good grades and a pretty smile. They expect deep thoughts and insight. But why do i have to be like that all the time? Why do I have to always be mature?

That's honestly what some people expect me to be like. Mature, insightful, deep, sweet, nice, kind....you know the list just goes on. But I'm only allowed to be silly and goffy around my friends. And that's why I love them. I can be silly without them thinking I've lost my mind. Everywhere else I have to be cool, composed, and collected.

And it's tiring. I have to be perfect to even try to please people. Sometimes when I'm alone I would slouch because...I dunno, for some reason. But then I straighten by back to have perfect posture.(I actually have done that at least 5 times while typing this one chapter.)

Sometimes I feel like I'm a dog. Like I've been trained. And they're still trying to train me. And I'm honestly just realizing all this now. That people think I'm not good enough, that they've tried to train me into the the closest thing to perfect as possible. But even that isn't good enough.

Let me tell you something. Figuring out who you are while you're a kid is important. Because if you're an adult and you don't know...I don't think it will turn out so well. I want to be me. I want to have fun and be a kid while I can. But I feel like i can't because they won't approve.

All I want right now, more than anything else, to be me. The real me. The mature, silly, goofy, deep, nice, and whatever else I am. As long as it's the 100% real me. And to be accepted as me. Is that really too much to ask for?

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Author's Note

What else can I say? I'm tired of being told who I have to be and i want to learn and grow into a real person. Not someone's dream of a perfect person.

And I can totally relate t this song. Being in the shadow of someone's dream of me being perfect. It's amazing how someone can capture how we feel without knowing us. I think it's pretty cool.

And I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to accept he real me. That doesn't mean you have to like me. It just means you won't try to change me.

And I know who I want to hear those words won't read this. Because I don't want them to. This is something that is totally 100% mine. And it may sound selfish, but I don't want to give it up to them.

They'll want to read what I write before I post to make sure it's okay with them. And well, I don't want that. Because then it's not my opinion. It's their's. And while I'm open to hearing what they have to say(not like I have a choice, but still), but this is what I think. What I feel.

And if they tell me to change it or that they don't like it....I don't know what I'll do...