In Cloudy Waters (Ereri/Riren)✔️

.Deadly Silence.

*Trigger warning to referencing self harm*

Chapter Created By: RakaiaNovelette

"Pain either makes people resentful of the past or hopeful for a better future."
– ("Kat Olchemis" Running in Velvet Fire)

-Eren-

If I were to ever see something again... I don't really know. I guess I first thought about that when I was about fourteen. It was three minutes after I woke up in the hospital and I couldn't see my own hand.

I began freaking out so bad the nurse had to give me a sedative and call my father in.

It was right there in front of my face; the same hand I'd been looking at all my life. It hadn't gone anywhere, it was the same hand. I felt a bandage on it from the cut by the car window, but it was black like the canvas it was set against.

The canvas everything was set against.

I remember feeling this for a moment before my father came in to calm me down, I wanted more than anything to just be sure that it was there when he grabbed it, and not just a figment of my imagination.

I wasn't angry yet, I wasn't even numb. I was scared.

The realization that nothing would ever be as definitively empty as my hand right in front of my face hit me the hardest in just three minutes flat.

Then the numbness took over.

I guess... that if I hadn't thought that, perhaps I could have developed a sense of beauty or shit about it all.

Perhaps I could have gotten angry like I did a week later when people started letting me do things on my own and realizing that it was much harder than I ever thought. But since that moment, my ignorance was a lost cause.

If I could see anything again, I would want to take that moment back, never know that my hand would always be out of reach, know that it was really there and I didn't have to put all my faith in the world into something like a religious person had to put their entire life's faith into the belief that God existed without any proof ever. Because it felt like shit.

I wanted to see my hand. I didn't want to lose my ignorance just yet, and it never seemed fair!
Levi had to be the most unsympathetic person on the planet. How could he ever know what that was like?

What gave him the right to tell me how I should live my life or how I should grieve?

He had the chance to make friends. The only friends I would ever make were those who could stand to be around me and accept me. That circle was getting smaller...

At one point in the following week, I called Mikasa. Levi suddenly appeared more often, but he stayed held up in the kitchen when she was here. She was able to drag me out of there a few times because I didn't want to take another person for granted, and clung onto her more than I should have.

She left on Thursday evening after accompanying me home with Levi. He was quiet the whole way. We didn't speak much still, and I didn't have the heart to ask him why he was still here.