Chapter 11 This is the original story
"It is one thing to love someone or something, but to be in love--" Noelle pushed her tray of Snickerdoodle cookies into the heated oven. 'Well, that's something completely different." She picked up a fresh apple and studied it.
I had my back against the kitchen counter, listening to Noelle's lecture.
My sister bit into the red skin and smiled, "I could love this apple." She tossed it aside, "But that doesn't mean I want to marry it."
I smirked, picturing that round cut diamond that Stephen planned to give to her sometime this week. "You trtruly are a philosopher, my dear sister."
Noelle rolled her eyes. "Don't try to suck up to me."
"Do I have reason to?"
She gave me a look that clearly said yes. "I saw you hugging John in your sleep. You can't get passed me.."
I shrugged, "So? Is it a crime to hug my best friend?"
Noelle shifted her weight to one leg. Her eyes narrowed, "Do you love him, Janie?"
And that was it. This was all she was leading to. Usually questions like this lead to either: awkward silences or a stare down. For me and Noelle, it was a bit of both.
No, I said finally with my forehead drizzling with sweat from being pierced by my sister's deadly blue glare. "I don't."
Noelle tilted her head to the side, still in a questioning manner. "Why not?
"Can we just stop talking about this?" I said abruptly as I threw my hands down in frustration. I turned my back to Noelle.
Steps coming down the stairwell grew louder.
John appeared before us with tousled hair and drowsy eyes. He yawned. "What did I miss?"
"Nothing." I grabbed my brown messenger bag and slammed the front door behind me.
The October breeze hit my face with one giant gust. My hair whipped around, once again tangling itself just as it did yesterday. Regardless, I walked against the heavy blow and to my car. My blue sedan probably started to hate me because I closed the door so harshly.
"UGH!" I screamed and hit the steering wheel with every bit of energy I had, releasing some of the tears I held in. Keeping in a scream for over three weeks tends to add up.
Almost immediately, I felt my muscles start to relax from their tensed stated.
Just as my heart rate started to go down, a knock came to my window. I jumped out of my seat only to find John tapping on the passenger seat door. He opened it slowly and sat down beside me.
I let the salt hit my lips before letting them soak up in my collar. I smeared the rest with my sleeve.
John and I sat in my car with the silence floating around us.
He suddenly pulled me into his arms, stroking my hair and squeezing me tightly as he did.
Another couple of minutes passed before either of us had decided to speak.
"Why are you still here?" I whispered. My grip on his shirt tightened.
"Because I'm trying to be a good friend." John replied.
I sat upright. "No. I mean, why are you here, setting in my care when you can be somewhere else?"
John sighed. He leaned towards me and kissed my forehead. "Because I care about you. You mean more to me than you think, and it kills me when you're upset like this."
I broke down once more. "I-I can't do this." My voice cracked as I spoke. "I don't want to do this."
"Then back out." John pleaded as he put his hand on my cheek. He wiped away my tears with his thumb.
I shook my head, "But it's like... I don't want to do this, but I want to know what happens at the end. I want to know if the end is something to want. I want to know--" I let out a quivering sigh. My eyes shifted to my fidgeting hands. "I want to know if I'll ever be good enough for somebody."
John's eyes kept their stare on me without breaking.
"Look at me, John." I scoffed. "I'm pathetic. What I'm doing--this is pathetic."
Well, it's true, isn't it? No one in their right mind would get into this kind of situation--Especially because of their siblings. It's insane! It's stupid!
"Janie--" John sighed.
"No!" I said sternly. "I am probably the most insane person on the face of this earth for putting up with this, but--I don't know. Maybe I needed this. I want to know if there's a guy out there who-who will love me. A guy who wants to love me. I want him to be there whenever I need him to without asking. I want him to--to kiss me randomly or when I don't expect it. You know, I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loves me and that I'm his."
I sobbed slightly.
"Is that too much to ask for?"
"I don't know what to tell you." John said quietly.
"No one ever does." I pushed open my door and started my trek down the street. I wanted to be anywhere but here, and, wherever that is--that's where I'm going.
