Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter eighteen)

Phil

In that moment in time, I felt like the lies I had told to protect him were crashing down. I was going to tell him, just not like this. This was all my fault, I was ready to accept the storm of emotions that I knew was coming my way. 

"Phil, I thought you said you were going out for coffee with Chris," Dan said, I could tell already that he wasn't going to take anymore of my nonsense. "Why the hell are you all the way in Manchester?"

"I could ask you the same question, Dan."

"No, you are not turning this onto me. Why are you here." He said it as if it were a statement this time, not a question.

"Uh...I..um..."

"Come on Phil."

"Well, to tell the truth," (ironic, huh?) "Chris was busy so I decided to come here alone."

"But why in Manchester?"

"I just needed some time to myself, that's all... London can be so loud."

"Okay, fine," Dan seemed to be loosening up a little. "Well...As long as I'm here, do you wanna grab a coffee together?"

And that's when the bathroom door swung open. I had completely forgotten that I was here with someone else. Victoria was striding over to Dan and I, but to her it was me and a complete stranger (I hadn't even told her I had a flatmate). But more importantly I couldn't let Dan know who Victoria was, I knew in the back of my mind that he was still kind of upset about me meeting other people. I saw the way he was that night when I had told him...

"Sorry, can't," I said quickly while trying to back Dan up out of the coffee shop.

"What do you mean?" Dan was confused, and I couldn't blame him but right now I was panicking and had no idea what to do. "Phil! Stop shoving me!"

"You have to leave, Dan"

"You can't just kick me out of a coffee shop."

"I know but you can't be here right now."

"Phil, stop. What aren't you telling me?"

I said nothing. What was I supposed to say?:

Sorry, but I'm secretly on a date with some girl that i met online, even though I know you hate when I do this and I've lied to you several times about it....?

Victoria was already standing a few inches away from our table, I just accepted that she would have to listen in on Dan and I's conversation.

"I know you've been keeping something from me," Dan suddenly got dead serious. " You never tell me exactly where you go, you lock yourself up in your room way more than usual and now your forcing me out of a coffee shop for no reason!"

His expression was sad, like a puppy with his wide eyes, despite the anger that seemed to be overflowing inside of him. I felt really bad that I was doing this to him. But there was no going back on Victoria now.

"We used to talk about these things, Phil. We actually used to talk to each other, but now we just sit in silence. Its like you're trying to tear our friendship apart!"

"Dan, can we just talk about this at home?" I pleaded with a tiny whisper. I wanted to deal with this but not now, not here.

"We can talk about this at home," his voice was harsh and icy. "But do not expect it to be a pleasant conversation." 

And with that, Dan strode out of the coffee shop. I felt terrible, and wishing I could go after him, but I would feel worse if I abandoned someone on a date.

"What was that all about?" Victoria turned to me after Dan had left the building.

"Nothing, just some dumb argument with my flatmate."

"Oh...Well I was texting my boss, I have to go back to work now." She said it while glancing down at her phone, probably just in shock from what had happened.

"Okay, well then I guess I'm off too then."

"Well we can try again this weekend if you like?"

I did really want to try this whole thing over again. I still felt like I owed her a date as well...This one was definitely crap.

"Yeah, sounds good."

Dan

Honestly I was fuming when I got back to the flat. The funny thing was I didn't really know why. Well kind of, all I knew was that Phil was keeping something from me. I also knew that I didn't like it at all.

We never used to keep things from each other, after all we still are bestfriends. I never let my feelings for Phil take our my life so much that I cut him out of it or made it so awkward that we couldn't even have a normal conversation without it turning into a fight or an interrogation. I was still trying to wrap my head around all this.

When did this even start?
Who's fault was it?
Are things ever going to go back to the way they were before this giant shit storm happened.  

Why did it happen?

Honestly, I couldn't answer any of those questions. And it was making me mental. I could already hear the insults...

You're too ugly
You're not happy enough
You don't know him anymore
He doesn't know you anymore
I bet he'll never even smile at you

Those insults would all be from myself of course. I never forgive myself when I mess up with Phil. And this was the biggest mess up I've ever had.

************

It was about 5 in the afternoon when Phil came back. When I heard him coming up the stairs, I could feel my heartbeat steadily getting faster and it seemed more and more likely that it would burst out of my chest from anticipation. 

He walked into the room slowly and stood at the very opposite side of our lounge.

"I'm sorry." Phil said it like he meant it, why didn't I believe him?

"Why did you kick me out?"

"I...uh.."

"Phil we can't keep doing this. You need to tell me so we can get over this shit."

"I was there with someone."

"Who?"

Please don't be another date. Please don't be another date. 

"Her name is Victoria-"

I cut him off mid sentence. 

"You were out on another date?" I suddenly felt the anger rising up in me again.

"Yeah," He said it slowly like I was about to pounce on him for meeting with someone (although I was strongly considering it). "But you have to tell me. Why does it bother you so much?"

Phil

It bothers me too that I have to resort to dating websites in fear that the one person I actually know I love will never love me back and I'll die alone.

Just let me know I'm not alone.

Dan

It bothers me because you're the one person I actually love and the fact that you need to resort to a dating website to find another compatible human pisses me off. Especially because the most compatible human for you is the one you're talking to right now.

"I don't know, okay. It just does." I said instead.

I had no more intent on completing this argument, I was tired and emotional. I didn't want to show all that in front of Phil.

I pushed past him and made my way to my bedroom. 

He can go and date whoever the fuck he wants. See if I care.

But I did, I did really care.