Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter twelve)

Dan

"Can I open my eyes yet? We've been walking forever." Dan moaned as Phil held his hand and walked through the busy streets. It was really dangerous and Phil was literally the clumsiest person on the face of the earth, but somehow Dan knew he wouldn't get hurt.

Phil pulled Dan along for another ten minutes before stopping him.

"Okay...Open your eyes."

The pair were stood outside of a small coffee shop in Manchester.

" What the hell, Phil!" Dan exclaimed, "You brought us all the way from London so we could have coffee at some little place in Manchester? Well, I mean I've said I want a change from Starbucks, but this is not really what I was implying." The sarcasm and disbelief was evident in his voice.

"Doesn't it seen familiar though...?" Phil was encouraging Dan to remember.

Dan said nothing and thought in silence.

"It's the coffee shop we had one of our first real 'meeting' at! You know, like where we got to know each other a little better before we bought our first flat?"  Phil asked, hoping that Dan would remember the special memories the two of them shared here.

Dan didn't say anything, but instead he gave Phil a quick but meaningful hug and proceeded inside the small shop, taking in every noticeable detail he possibly could, wanting to remember in full, how they had bonded that day. 

I had been trying to force myself to keep writing the fanfiction, to give myself something to do. And also force myself to still write about my dream relationship with Phil. I was determined to get past our current situation.

But I knew we were already making progress because Phil had started to finally come out of his room (every once in awhile), sometimes it was to get food. But mostly he would leave the flat all together.

I tried my best  to not suffocate him whenever he'd show his face, but it was hard because I was craving time with him. It would always happen in the same way:

Phil would walk out of his bedroom in the morning.

"Hey, are you okay? How are you?" I would ask.

Phil would give me a slight nod, barely even looking in my direction.

Then he'd go back inside his room and not come out until past 4 in the afternoon. Then Phil would come into the hall, fully clothed and grab his stuff; getting ready to go out.

"Where're you going?" I'd always ask as soon as Phil stepped out of his bedroom.

"Nowhere special." Or some other dumb, vague answer like that.

And Then he would leave and not come home until 11 or 12 at night.

I still didn't know where he was going. And I was starting to get worried.

Phil

I felt bad. I think I was on the verge of depression. And this wasn't about my stupid behaviour when I yelled at Dan. This was about me finally accepting that Dan was never going to love me and that shutting him out was the best option. 

It all happened so quickly too. Two weeks ago, we were getting so close, and we were more comfortable with each other than ever. But everything started to go downhill with Dan shutting me out. I lashed out. Then I shut Dan out.

The truth is, I had been going on dates and to bars every other night. Just to meet people (even though I still well knew that I only loved Dan). My theory was that maybe one night, I'd get too drunk, meet someone and then the next morning when I remember what happened, I would feel to guilty to leave my new girlfriend/boyfriend (I'm still not sure if I'm attracted to guys or if it's just Dan).

But I almost never get drunk. I just hate the taste of most alcohol and funny enough, it doesn't really affect me that much. Never the less, I still try to go out, to at least clear my head. 

I found a few people on the  dating website (all girls so far) and had a couple of 'dates'. But none of them really clicked with me the way Dan ever did.

He must be getting worried. I've never told him what exactly doing or where I was going or who I was with. Although the two of us aren't children, we still like to tell each other a few details about where we go. What if one of us needs an emergency wingman?

Yeah, like that will ever happen...

Dan

Phil was going out again one night and came home around 11:30. I had had enough of this bullshit and worked up enough courage now to finally ask where the hell he had been.

I was sat in the lounge when I heard the door creak open from downstairs. Phil was home and about to come up to the lounge and tell me everything.

"Where did you go?" I asked as soon as I caught sight of Phil.

"...Um...I was at a bar with some friends." I could sense the nervousness in his voice.

"Which friends?"

"...Pj and Chris."

"So if I call them right now, both Pj and Chris will say they were at a bar with you?" I felt like a mom who was scolding her child about coming home 30 minutes after curfew. I really didn't want to do like this, but how else could I get him to tell me the truth? 

Phil said nothing.

"Phil," I said while dropping my angry tone, "where were you tonight? Where do you go every night?" 

Phil sighed.

"I've been... Seeing people."

My heart sank.

"I've been going on dates with people that I found online, and out to bars to meet people as well." Phil looked down, almost as if he was ashamed. Why would he be? How could he possibly know that his confession was ripping and draining the life out of me like a black hole.

"Oh." That's all that I managed to say without letting any of my emotions escape me.

Phil

I kind of just slipped out of the room quietly after that. It was terrible, but I though Dan would be more upset. Maybe he was just fine with all of this. Both of us meeting different people. Dating different people.

Of course he doesn't care.
He doesn't care because he doesn't love you the way you love him.
You will always be just a friend. 

And as I fell asleep in my dark bedroom, I knew that I was probably right.