Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter ten)

Dan

I'm not going to lie. I cried as soon as I heard the door to our flat close behind him. I had waited in silence and disbelief until I was sure Phil was gone. Phil and I had never had serious fights before. I'm not even sure this was a fight. But I knew that I would lose.

I have no idea what the real reason for his unusual behavior was, but I knew that he was really pissed off about me staying in my room. I could hear him pacing when I was writing and the awkward conversations we shared lately seemed unnatural. Like they were forced, out of socialness and etiquette.

Crying felt wrong. Like I was a child, crying about dropping their ice-cream or something. I felt humiliated, even though there was no one there to witness my sadness.

When I finally cried myself dry, I looked into the mirror and asked myself:

Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life?
You know that Phil will never love you, fights will happen and rejection is inevitable...
Why do you want him so badly?

I grabbed myself a hot drink and started to answer the questions in my head.

I don't want to feel like this ever again.
I know that Phil will never love me and if I ever ask him if he does, our friendship will never be the same.

I turned off all the lights, set down my drink on my desk and lay down on my bedroom floor.

I want Phil like an addict wants drugs.
Every feature on Phil is my own drug.

His hair, and how it's black as my soul.
His eyes, and how they always seem to see right through all the bullshit in life.
His smile, and how it's like the one thing that keeps me alive.

I want Phil so badly, because he is my happiness.

And as I finished my train of thought on the dirty carpet of my bedroom, I fell asleep to the sound of the door to the flat being pushed open.

Phil

 I arrived home at about a quarter to 10 and saw a blank hallway. The lights were turned off and no sound was coming from anywhere in the flat.

He probably just went to bed early.

I walked upstairs to find even more darkness. I went up to Dan's bedroom door. I knocked on the wood quietly, so if he was sleeping he most likely wouldn't be disturbed. No answer. Although I probably shouldn't have, I had a tiny peek into the room.

Dan was laying on his stomach on the floor, asleep. His hair was covering his face, which was almost completely buried in the carpet. This wouldn't be the first time I've found him like this, but somehow I felt my lashing out at him didn't help with his dark thoughts. Before I could wake him up, I closed the door and went into my own room.

On the dating website, I hadn't actually started to talk to anyone yet (in my defense, I had only just signed up half an hour ago), but I had seen a few profiles. I didn't really know what I was looking for. 

Was I gay and looking for men?
Was I actually straight and still into women?
Or was I only gay and interested in Dan?

I knew the last option was the only true one. Nobody, despite their gender OR sexuality, seemed as genuinely interesting, funny or beautiful as Dan. I just knew he was better and more compatible for me than anyone else.

I closed the website. I knew I would give it another chance later, but for now, I knew my place. I loved Dan and was really feeling ashamed of myself for being so dreadful to him. Even if I didn't have feelings for him, I was being a terrible friend right now...

...You're more than a terrible friend, you're a terrible person.