Depression//Phan

-14-

Dan didn't know that Phil had begun to doubt that he'd help him get better. Then again, Phil never showed any signs of doubt and he never voiced those doubting thoughts.

Phil didn't believe Dan could help him get better. He made a promise to Dan that he'd try to get better, but... He hasn't been. It isn't his fault, it's his depression's. Whenever Dan said he'd help him, he never did. When he tried, it didn't help. Not much, at least, so now he had begun doubting his boyfriend.

~~~

More cuts were made, more pain was relieved. For Phil, anyways. For Dan, more pain was received from disappointment.

"Phil... You said you would try... to get better," Dan said, his voice hushed as his eyes began to well with tears. He was so upset to see that Phil hadn't gotten better in even the slightest.

Phil pulled his arm back towards himself, rolling the sleeves down again. "You really expect it to be so easy on me to get better, hm? Do you think it's going to take me a short amount of time to get better?" Phil raised his eyebrows.

Dan was shocked. Was he really getting mad over what Dan just said? "No, but I just... I don't like seeing more cuts when you promised-" He was abruptly cut off by a miffed Phil.

"I may have promised, but you can't expect it to really happen, Dan. Wake up and smell the flowers, because this is reality, and reality says that I won't get better if I don't have help." So maybe he was being a little rude, but he didn't care right now. He didn't see it.

This wasn't like Phil at all.

"But I said I would he-" Dan was cut off yet again.

"But you haven't helped me, Dan! You haven't helped, even if you've tried. You're not the proper kind of help I need! Yeah, I still need you as a best friend and boyfriend, but you can't help me and my stupid depression!"

Tears had actually begun rolling down Dan's cheeks by now. He was trying to remain calm, but he was about ready to snap.

"Why are you crying?" He wasn't even using a kind and gentle tone. Instead, Phil was more demanding right now.

And that's when Dan snapped.

Dan scoffed, tears still slowly falling. He shook his head, glancing away, and then back at Phil. "You're joking, right? What do you mean, why am I crying?? You're being an asshole to me for no reason, when I'm trying my hardest to be helpful! You could've said something before about me not being able to help, and I would've stopped and gotten you real help! But no, instead you apparently decided to keep it bottled up and not say anything. I don't care if this hostility of yours is coming from your depression, or your mum's death, because this isn't like you. The Phil I know and fell in love with isn't the Phil I'm looking at right now. The Phil I know and fell in love with would be sweet and kind. Maybe a tiny bit rude, but he wouldn't mean it. He's a literal ray of sunshine, while you're just a cloudy day."

They were both silent.

Phil seemed to soften a bit, and he definitely used a kinder tone. "Dan, I'm s-"

"Phil, don't even. Don't even apologize. I just..." He didn't even know what to say right now, he was just a mess.

"You just...?" Phil looked at him, waiting for a reply.

Dan shook his head, the tears still falling. Phil slowly wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling him into his warm embrace. "Dan, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shh, I know," he whispered, sniffling. "Can we get you proper help? Please? I can't bear to see you like this any longer. It's making you hostile."

Phil nodded. "I... I think we can try that, yeah."

Dan leaned into Phil, his eyes closed as he just relaxed there. "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you," Dan said, making Phil crack the tiniest of smiles.

"I love you too, bear."