Depression//Phan

-12-

When Dan awoke, Phil was sat on the edge of the bed. He looked over, a bit confused. "Phil? How long have you been awake for?"

"I have no idea, really," he says quietly. But I know it's been a little while.

"Why didn't you wake me up and tell me something was wrong?" Dan asked, sitting up. He moves over next to Phil, sitting next to him.

"Because you wouldn't have been able to help. That and you looked too peaceful to wake up," Phil replied. But in all honestly, it was mainly the first reason.

"I would've found a way."

"But you wouldn't have been able to help, Dan. Really. I just... I wasn't having the brightest of thoughts, that's all," he said, running a hand through his hair. "What if they try to attack me with harsh words in public or something like that? What if we're at a YouTube convention, and they don't even acknowledge my existence? What if-"

Before Phil can ask anymore 'What If' questions, Dan cuts him off. "Phil, look at me," he says gently, and Phil does turn his head to look at him. "None of that is going to happen. I promise. I won't let it happen. Hell, I'll tell them myself. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You're a hard YouTube worker, and people shouldn't judge you for anything but that. They don't really know you as well as I do. Nothing bad is going to happen, okay?"

Phil doesn't say anything, but instead, he wraps his arms around Dan. Dan hugged him back. "I love you so so much. I'm glad you've stuck around all these years, Dan."

"And I'll continue to stick around with you for the rest of my life. Because you're worth sticking around for," Dan says, smiling softly.

Phil smiles widely. "Aww, Dan," he says, still smiling. "That's sweet. Thank you."

"It's true, though," he said, biting his lip as he continued to smile through it. His smile fades just a little bit, and he quietly says, "Phil, I think we should get you some help."

Phil shakes his head, burying his face in Dan's shoulder.

"Why not?" He gently rubs his hand up and down Phil's back.

"It'll make me feel like I'm mental. I know that a therapist might help me, but I don't want to go, Dan..." It wasn't a mental asylum, so he didn't know exactly why it made him feel mental to go there, but he didn't want to go and talk to a stranger about his personal life issues. It seemed weird.

"Phil," Dan says with a small sigh. "I just want to see you get better. I can't stand to see you this upset anymore. It's reminding me of my own depression days and I don't like it." He had tears in his eyes now, but showed no signs of nearly crying right now.

"Dan... I'll get better, I promise," Phil simply responds, which makes the tears finally leave Dan's eyes.

"But that's the thing," he says, his voice cracking with every word. "You can't get better alone. I would know."

Phil heard his voice crack and felt him shaking a bit, and he immediately knew that he was crying. "Dan, oh no, please don't cry," he says, hugging him tighter. "Please don't." He hated seeing him cry, in all honesty. He truly did.

"I'm sorry... It just hurts to see you like this. You sound like me when I was depressed, and you act like me when I was depressed. I went through that and I never wanted the same from you, Phil. I never wanted to see you like that. I just wanted you to be happy." Phil. He wasn't the happy little bean that he knew anymore. He missed his real smiles, he missed his real laugh, he missed the thing he does with his tongue when he giggles... He missed it. He wanted that back.

"Dan, I..." He didn't know what to say. It took him a good minute and a half before he finally spoke again. "I'm sorry... If it makes you feel any better,
I suppose I can go see a therapist. But I want you to come with me."

Dan sniffled a bit, pulling away just enough so he could see Phil's face. He nodded. "Okay."

Phil's hands cupped Dan's cheeks, and his thumbs gently ran over them to rub the tears away. "No matter what happens, I love you. I always will."

"I love you too," Dan replies, pecking his lips lightly. "I'm sorry if I seem a bit dramatic and all-"

Phil then cut him off. "No, you're not the one being dramatic. Maybe just a little, but most of the drama is me and the rest of our little group of phans. Or, the ones that hate on me. I know that you want me to get better but even with a therapist, it's going to be hard. I mean, most of my life is spent on the Internet..."

Dan bites his lip. "I'll do anything in my power to get them to stop without flipping on them. Just please don't give up. I can't lose you to depression. I care too much about you to let that happen." The idea of losing Phil made him tear up again, but a lot worse this time, and he hung his head down when he did. It broke his heart.

It broke Phil's heart to see Dan like this as well. "Dan, I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Not yet."

Not yet. That worried him. What if him going came sooner than expected? "Not yet? No, Phil. Not ever. Not until your time is supposed to be up. I can't lose you. I love the phans too, but you're the main cause of my happiness." It was clear that he was crying again. He hugged him again, so much tighter this time, but not extremely tight. "Don't leave me."

Phil had begun to cry as well, and his chest hurt with pains that he didn't know were good or bad. "Dan, don't do this. Oh god, you're making me cry too," he said, with a tiny giggle, but it was a sad giggle. "I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere."

Dan nods. "Thank you." He felt a bit better now, and began to stop crying. "Okay, no more sadness right now. No more. It's time to go back to bed."

This makes Phil giggle for real, and he pulls Dan down next to him after laying down again.

"Goodnight... Again."

"Goodnight. Wake me up if you need anything again," Dan said to Phil.

That night, they fell asleep, but not once did either of them let go of each other.