Depression//Phan

-3-

||Phil's POV||

This week only went downhill.

One time when Dan and I were at Starbucks, we were just sitting there and then this random girl whom neither of us even knew just walked up to me and said something really rude and started to hate on me. Dan then proceeded to drag us away and I could've sworn I saw him glare at her as he pulled us away out of the corner of my eye.

Another day this week, we were doing the BBC Radio 1 show, and this guy called and said (and I quote), "I would like to request a song. But first, let me just say a few things..." and then began hating on me. They all proceeded to just hang up on the random guy

Another time was when I was just simply walking through the park. I received so many weird looks from people who mainly looked around their teenage years, maybe in their early twenties. It was very uncomfortable. I just went home, but didn't say a word about it to Dan. When he asked why I was back so early, I lied and told him it was because I was getting cold -- luckily it was actually cold outside that day.

It hasn't been a very good week for me.

And the hate only added onto the list of reasons why this week kept going downhill.

That and the fact my depression was getting worse and worse.

That and the fact I was beginning to feel extremely, super guilty for lying to Dan. I didn't want to tell him I had been lying to him in case he got mad at me or something, and it has been stressing me out. And thus, that adds onto the fact on why my depression was only getting much worse.

Although, Dan did manage to get a few real, genuine smiles out of me this week. It felt nice to be able to smile for real again, even if it was only for a few days.

But what did actually make me upset was the fact that I couldn't talk with anyone about my depression and all this. Someone to help me cope with it. I couldn't talk with Dan, because I had already lied and told him I was fine, and he believed it. And I didn't want to tell him I wasn't okay and tell him I was lying -- I didn't want him to be mad at me. Not right now. Dan being mad at me would only make this much worse.

And I couldn't talk with Troye, Tyler, Chris, PJ, (etc.) about it either because they didn't even know I was upset over all of this.

Every new hateful thing I received was only dragging me down further into my depression, much like a cement block tied to my wrist and dragging me down further into the ocean, drowning me in it.

I was only getting worse and worse. Not better at all.

I literally sometimes would even think about self-harm because of it... but nobody else knew about that. I wouldn't even think about it that much -- which was a good thing -- so what was the point going to be in telling people about it?

~~~

"Phil!" I heard Dan call from the lounge.

I walked into the lounge after hearing my name.

"What?" I asked him, poking my head in the doorway.

"Have you seen Twitter? I mean, not the hate part. Come here -- look," Dan said, and I walked closer. He showed me on his laptop.

"Oh my gosh."

There were so many nice tweets to me for once. They all just appeared out of nowhere, too! Some were fighting the haters (again, I don't encourage it. I'd just rather not step in between it though.), but most of them were like how they used to be before they were drunk on the haterade.

Let's hope it stays this way.

"I mean, at least there's a little bit less hate on you now. But it's still there sadly," Dan said to me, biting his lip.

I let out a quiet sigh.

Oh, of course it would still be there...

It would always be there...

"Yeah, at least there are more people supporting me," I said, kind of upset that there was still hate. But it would probably never go away, so I didn't know why I was so upset all of a sudden about it. Probably my depression kicking in.

Dan nodded.

"I wish they would just stop. You know, hating on you and all that," Dan said out of nowhere. "It's not fair and you just don't deserve it! Like what did you ever do to them?"

"That's exactly what I've been thinking lately. I've been thinking of so many things," I said, but didn't tell him exactly what 'things'. "That's the one question I've been thinking of mainly -- why do I deserve the hate? But it's probably just people who over-drank the haterade," I joked, and Dan laughed a bit. I smiled as he laughed, my tongue poking out of my mouth slightly. It made me quite happy to see him happy.

I wish I could be that happy again... This depression is literally replacing all my happiness and burying it 20,000,000,000 feet underground. Nowadays I can only fake being happy...

My mind and thoughts eventually took over after I thought that to myself, and I was now stuck in the eye of the storm of the horrid thoughts and memories in my head that I wanted to forget -- the hate, my, rather short-lived, suicidal thoughts... stuff like that.

My expression went blank and I just kind of walked over and went to sit in the couch next to Dan.

I literally just stared at the wall as I sat there next to Dan, didn't make a sound, and I didn't even move a muscle. Not one muscle.

As I started to remember everything I wished to forget, I went into full-existential crisis mode. I was sucked into this black hole of darkness and despair. I was questioning my life, my existence here on Earth... just all of it.

I think Dan was growing rather worried about me.

I was having an existential crisis and right now, I couldn't be broken from it.

||Dan's POV||

Oh, great...

Phil's having an existential crisis... and I can't break him from it, either.

I tried many tactics. (By many, I mean one or two).

I tried shaking him. Nothing.

I tried snapping my fingers in front of his face. Nada.

Tried waving my hand in front of his face. Zip.

I called his name about a million times. Zilch.

Then my body forced me into doing something. I had no clue why I did it, but I did... My body literally practically forced me to kiss Phil, which I did, because my body thought it would break him from his existential crisis. It seemed to have worked, because he seemed like he snapped right back to reality.

Meanwhile, I just kind of sat there with my cheeks burning red as I retreated quickly from the kiss.

Don't hate me, Phil... please don't hate me... My body forced me to do it.

My body practically just forced me to kiss my best friend/possibly crush..

Phil please don't hate me.

I was growing worried that Phil was going to hate me. I didn't want him to hate me,

He just kind of looked me in the eyes for a few seconds.

Yep, he totally hates me. Either that or he's giving me that 'wtf did you do that for' look...

Phil then grabbed the collar of my shirt, and tugged it forward until our faces were only inches apart. He then connected our lips gently.

Okay, so maybe he doesn't hate me, I thought to myself. I was just glad I brought him out of this little existential crisis he had.

A/N: ERMAHGERSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is getting too happy for a phanfiction that's supposed to be depressing XD KIDDING, I'M KIDDING I SWEARRR.