Depression//Phan

-13-

Okay, that was a lie.

The only time that Dan had let go of Phil was when he was abruptly startled awake from his dream.

*Inside Dan's dream...*

"Phil!" I yelled as I saw blood peeking out of the bathroom. Phil was in there. "Phil, let me in!"

The door never opened. Phil didn't speak. Just quiet sobs from him. More blood just kept seeping out from the bathroom before I finally kicked the door opened. It was a glass door, but I didn't particularly care right now.

Phil was so much paler than usual, and was now on the floor, unconscious.

I immediately ran over, trying not to slip on all the blood on the floor, kneeling by his side. It looked like a murder scene, but it wasn't. There were many, many slash marks going up his wrists. Both wrists. I checked for a pulse.

Nothing.

I was too late.
Phil was gone.

*End of dream*

Of course, Dan woke up in tears, gripping the duvet tight in his hands. He looked over at Phil, knowing he wasn't really dead, but he wanted to reassure himself. He exhaled a shaky breath, before laying down again, wrapping his arms around Phil once more.

He took note of the fact Phil's body was shaking. Or maybe it was just his own...

~~~

The next morning when Phil woke up, Dan was sitting in the corner, whispering to himself. Phil furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Was Dan going crazy because of him?

"Dan...?"

Dan looked up at Phil, just staring at him, though he continued to whisper to himself.

"What are you saying?"

That's when Dan suddenly became quiet, but stayed there. He simply made a hand gesture to tell Phil to come to him. Phil got up and walked over, sitting next to him.

"I'm a bad person..." Dan muttered, resting his head on Phil's shoulder.

"What? No you aren't. Why do you think you're a bad person?" Thank god Dan wasn't just going crazy. That's what Phil thinks he was whispering to himself, because whatever it was, it sounded like it repeated.

"Because I can't help you... The only way I've helped was comfort you and suggest a therapist. You've even said it yourself that I can't help you."

This hit Phil in a spot that made something just click into place. "Dan, look at me," he says, looking at him when Dan lifted his head up to look at Phil. "I am going to try my absolute best to get better. I told you I would go to a therapist, and you've just done the best you can to comfort me, and that's the best anyone can do to help. I'm going to make an honest effort to get better, I promise. But don't blame yourself for not being able to help me, when you really are."

Dan gives a weak smile before nodding, resting his head on his shoulder again. "Good. I'm sorry I keep getting all teary-eyed and shit like that. I just want to see you get better, and I'm sad that you haven't gotten better yet. I miss the happy you."

"You'll see the happy me again soon, I can promise you that." But could he really?

Dan takes in a deep breath, exhaling it slowly to calm himself down. "Let's do something. You know, to make us both happier."

Phil hummed, debating the idea. "Like what?"

Dan shrugs. "I don't know. Watching Anime together while cuddling with food, going somewhere... There are many options."

Phil giggles one of his real giggles where his tongue pokes out of his mouth a little. It makes Dan smile widely. "You're such a dork, Dan. Of course, you would be the kind to want to cuddle while watching Anime. I can't lie, I want to too," he says, laughing.

"Yay! So then we're doing that," he said, still smiling widely. He stands up, grabbing Phil's hand and pulling him up next to him, before tugging him along to the lounge.

Phil sat down onto the couch, giggling again. Dan could tell it wasn't fake. He could tell Phil's fake giggle apart from his real giggle. It made him happy that Phil was happy.

Dan put on an Anime, sitting down next to him. They managed to get comfortable, cuddling up on the couch together. This was most certainly enjoyable.

~~~

About halfway through the movie, Phil adjusted himself again, shifting slightly. Dan did too, just so they were both comfortable. He looked over at his hand, tempted to grab it, until he saw them.

Scars. Not the old ones, either. These looked fresh.

He sat up, taking his wrist gently and rolling the sleeve up more. He sighed in disappointment when he saw the numerous cuts scattering his wrist. "Phil..."

Phil immediately took his arm back, rolling the sleeve back down. His cheeks flushed with slight embarrassment. He knew Dan was disappointed, he could just hear it in his voice. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice a small whimper as his eyes filled with tears. "I know I shouldn't have done it, it's just... I had a dream and it triggered me and I woke up and..." He trailed off, but Dan knew what he was talking about. Was this why his body was shaking, and it wasn't Dan's?

"Phil, you could've woken me up. It's not like I sleep much anyways most nights." He wipes away a tear or two that begins to roll down Phil's cheeks. "Phil, hey, no, don't cry." Dan didn't like seeing him cry.

Phil immediately threw his arms around Dan, holding him close and tightly. He couldn't stop the tears as he continued to sob quietly into his shoulder. "I'm... I'm not crying because of that..." He lifted his head from his shoulder, but kept his arms around him. "There's something I haven't told you yet... Something that made my depression worse."

Dan's eyes immediately filled with worry. What could it be? "What is it...?"

"Well... A couple of days ago... My... Uh..." He teared up more before finally whispering, "I found out my mum died."

Dan gasped quietly, before hugging him tighter. "Phil, oh god, I'm so sorry... This all must be so hard, it isn't fair that you're getting the shit end of the stick. You're such a happy and positive person, you don't deserve that." He didn't understand why life was being so unfair to Phil Lester, A.K.A. A literal ray of sunshine, because he really never did anything to deserve any of this ever.

"I loved her so much, and she was one of the only remaining things I had left in my life that I cared about and loved... Now I only have two. You, and Martyn. I hardly have a fanbase anymore, and everyone who seemed to have shipped us suddenly disappeared, as it appears. I can't say that they're something that's keeping me happy and alive nowadays." Phil really thought that the fanbase would be strong enough and stay with him throughout everything, but no, apparently not. Very few people had continued to support him, but not many anymore. He was tempted to befriend the few people who did still support him.

"I'll always be here for you. Fuck the fans and the fanbase, you have me and Martyn. Well, more me than Martyn, but I'm just as good, if not better." He was joking of course, trying to make Phil laugh even a little, but nothing. Not even a silent chuckle. It broke Dan's heart.

"I'll make sure you get better. I'll help you."

Funny, Dan, you always say that, yet I never manage to get better, Phil thought to himself. I'll believe it when I see it. He simply nodded, biting his lip.