Depression//Phan

-6-

||Phil's POV||

It's been about a couple of weeks since the YouNow incident. 

I had been getting hate (still), my depression has only been getting worse, and I had more cuts on my arms. But Dan didn't know yet, and I didn't want him to find out.

I didn't even want to live on this planet anymore. There was just too much hate. The only thing keeping me anchored to Earth is Dan (and of course my family and other friends). I couldn't let Dan or my family or my other friends feel like that if I were to kill myself. Unless the hate was absolutely unbearable, I wouldn't ever leave. 

At least I hoped not...

I try to plan on not leaving.

When I was around Dan, or if we were outside somewhere, I would always act as if the hate was getting better. I always wore that fake smile to keep him from worrying. I didn't want my best friend worrying about me anymore than he already usually did.

But honestly, I was just completely broken inside. 

I think I felt like Dan knew that I was faking it. But I didn't even know if I could trust my own gut feelings anymore -- it was usually wrong. 

I hadn't uploaded a video in a while. But I probably wasn't going to for another long while. I didn't feel like uploading when I knew that the hate wasn't going to get any better. I mean, come on. What was the point in that?

Although, I noticed a lot of tweets and DMs from the real fans asking why I haven't been uploading. 

So, I tweeted out:

"Taking a break from uploading for a little while. But don't worry, this isn't the end of AmazingPhil! I will return one day. This is just a break :)"

I was quite satisfied with that tweet, so I decided to just log off of Twitter for the day. I decided it might be best to listen to what Dan had said -- to not look for the hate. So I always logged out of my social media when I wasn't using it, just so I didn't have to face the mainly-hateful notifications. 

~~~

I was tossing and turning, trying my hardest to sleep. But I couldn't shake any of the thoughts I was thinking out of my head. 

Almost immediately, I couldn't take it anymore after trying to cope with it for about an hour. It had begun to get stressful.

I walked quietly out of my room, going into the lounge. I knew Dan was still awake -- he never usually went to sleep until like 2 a.m. because he's on Tumblr. He didn't notice me in the room until I sat down next to him. He set his laptop aside, and I just hugged him, burying my face into the crook of his neck. I just needed to hug someone, and that someone just happened to be Dan.

I felt Dan's arms wrap around me, hugging me back. 

"Hey," he said gently. "Couldn't sleep?"

I shook my head.

"No," I responded, lifting my head but not pulling back from the hug. "There were just... so many thoughts running around in my head. It was getting annoying so I stopped trying to fall asleep."

"What kind of thoughts?" Dan asked curiously.

"Bad ones..." I said, my voice trailing off. Dan sighed. 

"Can you tell me what they were? I mean, you don't have to, but maybe it'd help get rid of some of them," Dan said. Maybe it would be best to tell Dan what was on my mind.

"Well, I had these horrible thoughts... I was thinking about what the fans would say because I haven't been uploading, even after tweeting them. I've been scared they'll hate me, but I just can't make a video... I'm too scared. I don't like getting hate comments, and that seems to be the only thing I get nowadays..." I said, my voice cracking a little bit once I reached "hate comments". "I also had these random flashback-type-things about the things that people have said to me... all the messages and comments and posts and... ugh, people can just be so hateful..." I couldn't go on. I just couldn't bring myself to continue. I felt a lump in the back of my throat, tears springing to my eyes, a few rolling down my cheeks. 

"I know, Phil... I know... It'll get better, I promise..." Dan said gently, hugging me tighter. 

"Dan?" I said after a few minutes of silence. 

"Hmm?" He responded. Neither of us let go yet. 

I picked up my head to look him in the eyes. 

"What..." I took a small, shaky breath, wiping a few stray tears away. "What would you do if I went...? What would you say?"

Dan's eyes widened. 

"Phil, stop. Just stop right there. Don't even think about going. I'm not letting you leave me, the fans, your family, and your other friends like that. I just won't let it happen..." He pulled me close to him, and I rested my head on his shoulder again like I had before. "I care too much about you, and I won't let you go because I..." He trailed off, and I was left somewhat confused.

"You what, Dan?" I asked him quietly, before lifting my head to meet his eyes once more, making eye contact. I looked him straight in his chocolaty-brown eyes of his.

He took a deep breath.

"Because I love you." 

My heart nearly stopped and I was in shock for a few seconds. 

Dan loves me?

A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm going to end the chapter here! Cx Hope you really like it so far, though! :))