We Who Are Jaded

Chapter Thirty One

I couldn't bring myself to say anything. What could you say to someone who wears their sacrifice for you on their face? How could I lean on his arm so dependently when I'd allowed him to make every risk necessary to ensure my safety. The only place I felt worthy of looking was the path; the dull stone that mirrored the once bright sky. 

As we strolled all I could think of other than guilt was the almost burning sensation of Nate's skin on mine, the complete opposite of the Indigo chill. He was everything I should have feared and yet I felt safer with no one else. 

Nate was biding his time, waiting for an exact moment to carry out his testimony. I was so aware of his presence but remained frighteningly content to reside in silence. I was a coward, unwilling to face the consequences for who I was ensnared with be it Indigo or Red and for that reason, the gutter wasn't even low enough for the likes of me. 

Was this who I really was? 

It's easier to wallow in self pity than put on a brave face, isn't it Evans? 

I kicked a shallow puddle as I muddled through my dark thoughts. I couldn't stand to look at my own reflection.

"She doesn't mind, Beth I mean." Nate's eyes finally fell upon me. They were dark but not the prisons they ought to have been.

"Really?" 

I even sounded pathetic.

"Yeah," Nate confessed. "She actually quite likes my new look. She said it makes me look "rugged" or something like that," Nate managed a dismal chuckle, the very notion of it cutting me. 

"You and I both know those weren't happy tears in the alley. I know Beth better than anyone else and I know this isn't going to be easy for her." I flinched as I felt the bitterness. Nate's face fell.

Smooth Evans, you arse. 

"Eh...sorry." I cast my eyes back to the path. Why did I feel so compelled to open my mouth at all?

"You're right, as much as I detest saying it." Nate inhaled deeply, pausing in his stride for a moment and then carrying on. 

"I asked her if she wanted to end things, thinking she wouldn't stand to be with me in public and you know what she said?" I shook my head, gripping the crook of his elbow. "She said she loved me and I just couldn't argue with that, no matter how much my conscience wished me too." Nate, could he have blushed, would have been magnificent. But as it was, his handsome features were distorted by the gashes marking his face taking away any joy. I couldn't get passed my guilt, written deep in the lines of his scars. 

"She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it Nate," I said plainly. "Beth may be dramatic and ridiculous on occasion but she is the most earnest person I know and if she has said something of such magnitude to you, I wouldn't dare question it," I confessed. Nate smiled, touches of it still reaching his eyes.  

"That's good to hear," Nate replied softly, placing his other hand atop of mine and onward we strolled. 

Nate and I came to a deserted park where everything was run down, paint peeling and hinges creaking.  I seated myself on a swing and patted the one next to me. Nate eyed the swing set gingerly but soon welcomed himself to the seat beside me.  

"I haven't done this in years," he admitted, tentative as he pushed himself back and forth. I remained still, simply revelling in the moment his fearful face turned to one of childlike wonder. 

"You wouldn't know." I grinned, swaying a little myself. 

"I just feel so free.; no job, no master and no eternity stretched before me. Not even gravity can stop me." I swayed a little, sharing in Nate's thrill. As I recalled I hadn't swung since my gran had died, she being the only one willing to take me to the park