Love Has No Limits (GirlXGirl)

Chapter 14

 Picture of  Jessica and Simon Gregson Played by Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry 

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She looked so fragile , machines  surrounded her and  she was wearing a breathing mask. She looked so small in that hospital bed.

“What are all those machines for?” I said to my dad.

“You should ask what aren’t they for “ he said still looking at the ground,” one is to help her breath, another to monitor her heart beat and others are for her liver. And those are morphine packs, the doctor said she is in a lot of pain after her radioactivity treatment” he said walking towards her and touching her pale skin.

“Radioactivity? Isn’t that what causes cancer?”

“Lex I am not a doctor!” dad said almost yelling.

“Sorry Simon” I said going towards mom .

Her skin was so cold and she looked pale , her face didn’t have that glow anymore ,but I guess she never had that glow after all. Simon broke the awkward silence between us by saying; “She had been coming for tests here for about two months and she didn’t tell either of us , I was going to tell you on the phone but it had to be said in person. She lied to us”

“So what she lied do you blame her? Like you were going to make a difference, ? You are never home god only knows what you do on those business trips. You leave her all alone and depressed no wonder she turned to drinking, married to someone like you, it was her only option”  I said yelling at him.

 “Don’t you dare raise your voice at me and blame me for this, it’s her own fault” he said pointing at my mom.

“How dare you say that , she was fine, she still is fine” I said in denial.

“Fine!! You call that fine? She is dying Alexandria , your mom , my wife is dyeing and you have to deal with that” He said turning red.

“Fuck you Simon” I said getting my luggage and walking out the hospital room.

“Call me Simon all you want I am still your father!” he said shouting out the door.

“Yes unfortunately you are “ I said as I turned to flip him off.

Walking through the corridor nurses and patients were staring at me and I don’t blame them Simon and I in the same room for just a few minutes will result in both of us wanting to kill each other.

It wasn’t always like this , it’s not my fault he is the biggest homophobe on the planet. I was born this way liking girls, it’s not a choice if it was who would choose it ? Who would choose a life were all the time you are being judged and hated for who you are and not accepted by many? Not having the chance to get married to the person you love in your own state? If someone would choose that then I admire them.

I called a cab and went to Sally’s pool house , I couldn’t face Simon today or any day of this week. Sally had given me a spare key to the pool house ,Megan ,Sally and I used to live there in the summer before Megan left.

The first thing I did was change my clothes and went for a run, headphones in , just me, music and the cold wind on my face.

Listening to Ben Howard and Bon Iver I ran as fast as I could away from that horrible place I call  my head. I ran and ran for about an hour but it didn’t help . I jumped in the pool, trying to sink and forget everything .But instead it got worse I saw his face again yelling at me , his face full of disappointment and regret. I rushed to the surface and got out of the pool still wearing my running clothes . I entered the bathroom soaking wet and looked at the mirror. The person looking  back at me was the person from last summer, the tears felt the same, the disgust and the emotions felt the same.

I opened every cabinet surrounding me not knowing what I was looking for. Until I saw it a packet of razors they were what I needed the release I earned for. Self-harm wasn’t new to me , the razor cutting threw my wet skin , cutting as deep , as much as I wanted. It hurt but it felt better than the pain inside my head.

I stripped into my underwear still crying and feeling pathetic and hurt I turned on Bring me The Horizon and loud as I could not caring what day it was , not knowing what day it was, was it still Christmas or was that yesterday?

All I knew is that it didn’t make a difference, I feel like shit , I feel like that every day I just hide it every day.

I got in the shower the cuts still hurt , they felt worse under the water. Surrounding me was blood from the newly made cuts .  The worm water felt good , but I still felt like crap I shower wasn’t going to help.

I dried myself and got dressed while covering my cuts and went on the couch to sleep a long sleep hopefully one I won’t wake up from feeling like this .