Deadly in Love moments

I'm Disgusting

(Christie's pov)
Justin: 22
Christie: 21
Drew: 3
-5pm-
There's about thirty minutes left before I'm off work. Kayla and I have been stacking books and climbing shelves all day. It's actually hard work, and Kayla says it's a day's worth of exercise. I totally agree, and it makes me feel more energetic, especially since I've been so down.
Maybe it's from having Drew, or maybe it's from my decreased self esteem. But I feel bad. I feel disgusting, overweight. These feelings don't hit me very often, but when they do I'm put at risk. These times make me want to lock myself in the bathroom and come out when the storm has passed. I absolutely hate this feeling of worthlessness. I hate it more than anything. I wish I could erase every trace of my past, because if I could, then I probably wouldn't be leaning against the bathroom counter in the library. Distress is too obvious in my eyes, and I'm sure it's the first thing Justin will notice when he gets off work later. Kayla's outside putting books away while I'm in here staring at my reflection in the mirror.

It's no big deal, unless I start over exaggerating my appearance, which I think I'm already doing. The pregnancy really knocked me down because of all the weight I've put on. I'm 5 feet and 99 pounds. It's not terrible. I mean, I'm eating normally. But there's this qualm that tells me I'm too much. I feel like I should lose weight, about 3 pounds. I could do that, right? It's easy. I'll just cut down on my calories by a few hundred.

No. I can't. I KNOW where this can go. I know that once I start losing weight, I won't be able to stop. It's not worth it. Should I talk to Justin? No. He'd flip out and give me a tedious lecture over how I'm perfect the way I am. He'd go all spy on me, and it'll make it worse.

But I really need to talk this out. I'm pretty sure if I'm stressing out over my body, this could get bad. I shouldn't be pressing my stomach in, wishing it'd get smaller. I should be grateful that I can fit into a pair of size zero jeans.
"Forget it," I sigh and walk out to see Kayla sorting out a bunch of books. Instead of beating myself up, I make myself useful and help her out. She gives me a concerned glance, which makes me feel insecure. What's up with that? Did I do something? Is it noticeable that I've gotten slightly bigger? Whatever it is, it makes me grab a few books and walk off behind a book shelf.
-6pm-
I'm too tired to cook tonight, so I texted Justin that I'd be picking up Chick Fil A for dinner. The whole drive home I've been a mess. I can't stop thinking about how I shouldn't eat as much as I usually  do. I keep worrying about gaining weight. By the time I get home, I'm almost in tears but I'm holding in.
"Baby!" Justin welcomes me with a big hug when I step out of the car. He just arrived from work. I smile warmly at him, catching a glimpse of Drew in his car.
"I'll get your stuff babe," he kisses my cheek before opening the passenger side of my car.
"Hey baby," I scoop Drew in my arms and embrace him against my chest as he giggles my name. He's everything to me. I love to see his cute, little smile whenever I see him.
"I'll feed Drew. You go sit down babe," Justin speaks when we're inside the dining room. I don't know how to react, but I take a seat and open the Chick-Fil-A bag. My head feels overwhelmed with the thought of eating.
"I'll be right back," I stand back up and head inside the bathroom without another word. Hopefully, Justin doesn't notice my distress. I don't want him too. I want him to take no notice of me as I lean against the bathroom door in doubt of myself.
There's scale hidden under the sink. Justin made a rule to where he has to be present whenever I weigh myself. I'm fine with it to be honest, but one time won't hurt. I pull the scale out and take my sweater off. When I step on the scale, I notice I'm exactly where I've been, 99. A small piece of me wishes the number was lower. I sigh, and suddenly there's a knock at the door. My heart drops and I turn motionless.
"Baby, are you ok?" Justin's voice asks from behind the door. I remain still, because if I step off the scale it'll make a beeping noise.
"Yeah. I'm almost done." My voice comes out a little shaky, but I don't think he can hear it.
"...Christie, can you open the door?" Maybe he did hear it. But I don't want to open the door. He'll find out what I'm doing. I'm too scared to let him in.
"Christie, please open the door." By the sound of his voice, I know he's starting to suspect something off about me.
"G-give me a moment," I make the stupidest move and step off the scale, which makes an audible beeping noise.
"I'm serious Christie. Open the door, now," he raises his voice, which makes me panic and tear up. I can hear his hand on the doorknob as I start to cry inaudibly in my hands. Accidentally, I let out a quiet sob, which brings a deep sigh out of Justin. I hear him mess with the doorknob before the door opens. I'm so busted.
"Dammit Christie." That's when I start full on sobbing. I feel so terrible. "What the hell baby?" Justin sounds so disappointed and it makes me feel worse.
He sits beside me, pulling me on his lap and letting me cry on his shoulder. I don't want to end up like this again. I'm fine the way I am. I don't need to lose anything.
"I know what's been on your mind lately. Kayla told me," Justin soothingly rubs my bare back as I calm down. That's why Kayla gave me a weird look. How did she find out? We weren't in the bathroom together. How could she know?
"Justin, I'm so sorry. Please don't make a big deal out of this. I promise I won't do anything. Jus-Justi-in...I-I don't w-want thi-is," I started hiccuping, which make his eyes show deep concern. He strokes my hair and dries my eyes in silence.
"Christie it's ok baby. I believe you. I trust you babe. I'm not going to flip...Just promise me you won't do anything bad. You know what I mean. Listen, I think you're perfectly fine. And if it'll make you feel better, you can always talk with me. I may not know much about it, but at least you can talk it out. I'm right here," Justin cups my face in his hands with his eyes glossy. The expression on his face makes me fall apart.
"I hate hurting you Justin," I feel like I'm only making this worse for him. No matter how selfish I am, I can't sit and watch Justin as he hurts inside. I hope the feeling is mutual.
"Christie, this isn't about me. Baby, don't worry about me. It's going to be ok. Let's get out of here," he helps me up, grabbing my sweater from the floor.
"You couldn't ever disappoint me." A calm smile appears on his face. There's not a hint of dishonesty on him. Maybe I'm just overreacting, stressed, tired.
Once I have my sweater on, Justin puts his arm around me and leads me into the dining room. Drew's playing with the dog, so I take a relieved breath and help him wash his hands for dinner.
We turn on the tv and sit at the table together. Justin doesn't stare me down or anything weird like that. We eat at the table like the usual times. It's like the bathroom moment never happened.
I feel a little better knowing that I haven't let Justin down. If I really want to, I could lose weight. But learning from my past, I know that it won't make me any happier than I am right now. Therefore, I minus well drop the idea completely.