Intoxicated

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Chapter 27

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Char

I understand completely that diaries are for the purpose of reflecting on now, then and the future.

But I'm fainthearted to admit that I'm stuck here in this time zone that has been usurped by his selfish behavior; I feel like this diminishes the whole concept of keeping one.

I lie awake at night unable to enter my slumber state, unable to think, unable to do. But when my eyelids can no longer support my desire and need to stay on guard and far from contact with your presence, they fail me.

I enter the realm of your control and I no longer have any influence over my actions.

You ravishingly taunt me deep down from inside my own dormant mind, with endless possibilities flapping in like starving owls hunting for their concealed, terrified prey.

Just by the click of your fingers, you've already obtained my private, inner thoughts; stealing them away from me before I've desperately had time to retaliate. Viciously sucking them inside the time warp of no return.

You know all the ins and outs of my morality and yet you still decide to torment my hallucinations.

Determinedly I attempt to get away from within the maze you challenge me with; there's always no escape until you regurgitate me back into this dreaded reality, where you no longer survive in the flesh form.

It pains me to believe this, so I ignore it for as long as I possible can and believe the impossible.

After you left, I no longer knew which element of pumping blood was safe. Without you, I constantly reflect on the gap you've left digging into my vascular organ but with you, my entire body is overpowered with covetousness.

But for this period, I no longer exist as my plain self, trapped in this fuzzy filtered world. Instead, I appear in the freedom of my immaturity with no limits, rules or regulations imposed by society.

Which feels so bleak and reminds me of the nothingness you used to sense amongst people you distrusted.

I visualise your presence gleaming with bittersweet happiness as our bodies entwine and celebrate my youth with embraces of affection and nothingness decorating my conscious. Leaving it to become sublimed in positive thoughts alleviating my spiral of emotions.

Then as I begin to let my guard shuffle down, you're selfishly ripped farther away from me than I thought was imaginable possible and my whole body begins to weep with sorrow and neglect.

Every occasion I shut my eyes and think of you, the hit of plausibility is even harder than the previous.

I awake with a reminder echoing the crushing words and drenched in a hug of sweat.

"He's gone."

Allowing sensibility to rush back through my nervous veins with the pinch of authenticity.

So for it all I despise you; how about you let me make the wrong turn down that alleyway and allow me to live through my mistakes, before you cowardly awaken me from my slumber.

The place you know where I truly belong.

17/07/15

I decided that today I would leave my apartment just once that was all I needed to clear my head and maybe some social contact was in order.

If I'm being honest, I can't remember the last conversation I had that wasn't with you, if conversations with an object count then I've had plenty.

It's a strange situation to be living in a flat that used to feel so cherished and thrived off life but now it's just being, all the joy was sucked down the plug hole, along with him.