Already Taken

Apologies Part I

I didn't re-read this. #justsaying

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How come, when everything's going so right someone has to come in and mess it all up? I shoulda known that Carmen was up to something by the way she was acting, all anti-social and moody. I mean like, okay, maybe deep down inside she had good intentions; like she was looking out for a good friend but the way she went about it—was totally inappropriate and unnecessary. She could have come to me with this information and we could have talked about it, but noooo she had to go and blab in front of the whole school about Ashley's past.

What was I supposed to do? What should I have said? No one at school, besides Madison, knew about me and Ashley's more than a friend relationship. But I don't know now. I'm not ready to be out to everyone. Like, could you imagine how my mom would react? She's Catholic. She says that being gay is like telling God that the way he created things wasn't good enough. I wouldn't bank on her being too thrilled about finding out I'm in love with a girl. So, I wasn't ready to be out to anyone yet really, but after yesterday's performance in the quad I'm not sure everyone won't just put two and two together. I did break up with Aiden a little over a week ago and now, all of a sudden, I'm hanging out with a lesbian. That's no coincidence.

And Ashley. Where do I even start with her? Yes, I'm extremely pissed at her but it's not for the reasons you think. I could care less about Ashley's past. I mean, we all do shit we're not proud of. No one's perfect. What I am supremely pissed about is the fact that she lied to me. Maybe she lied to conceal her past, who knows? But what I do know is that, one lie leads to another and that lie leads to many more lies and then you have a big web of Ashley lies. Our whole relationship is based on a lie. Everything she's told me about herself has been a lie. I feel like I don't even know her.

It's weird you know, yesterday when I left school I have every intention on going back. Well, probably not yesterday but today I was gonna go cause I'm not the skipping school kinda girl. At least, not until that one time with Ashley but that's besides the point. The point is, I was gonna go to school today but when I got in my car this morning and started driving to school I ended up at the beach. I couldn't face her. I can't face her right now. I know that she's gonna try and explain everything to me. And the feelings I have for her will cloud my judgment and I'll probably forgive her too quickly. No, I want her to sweat it out. Let her know that her actions really hurt me. Plus, Carmen will be there and I know that I'm not the only one that wants to punch her so maybe I'm saving all of you guys too.

This morning when I woke up I had a dozen text from Ashley, Madison and Carmen. Ashley wanting to explain herself, Madison asking if I was okay and Carmen apologizing. I don't get why she did it if she knew it would hurt me.

As I lay sprawled out on the beach, the place Ashley and I had our unofficial first day, I get another text. I look down and see it's a text from Ashley.

'Please Spencer, you have to let me explain things to you. Why aren't you at school? Are you okay? Where are you?'

I feel bad for ignoring her. I know she wants to right things with us but I'm not ready to listen.

'I can't today. I need some time.' I text back.

A couple seconds later she texts back, 'Okay. I understand. Just know that I love you, Spencer. And I'm sorry that you had to find out about my past that way.' I hold back the urge to cry, feeling the guilt and pain she has, even in a text. I quickly toss my phone back in my bag before I lost all my self control and tell Ashley where I am.