he kissed the scars on my skin {janoskians fanfic}

Chapter 7

My hatred towards myself is getting worse, I'm barely leaving the house anymore. Some days I don't even leave my bed. Luke knows how much I hate myself and is always trying to make me feel better about myself, but if Im honest it doesn't work one bit.

Fat.

Ugly.

Disgusting.

Disgrace.

Mentally ill.

Fucked up.

A mess.

It's getting worse by the day and I am slowly giving up. Not even Luke can keep me strong anymore.

I was home alone, so the chance to escape was there. Luke and Jai were out playing footie and beau was helping his mum with the shopping. I knew they would be at least another hour or so. Once I had found the courage to actually go through with it, I walked through to the bathroom and opened the cabinet taking out the small pot containing my medication.

'One tablet per day, if more is consumed seek medical attention'

Perfect.

I got out a pen and some paper, I wrote to everyone apologising for what I was about to do.

'Gina, thank you for everything, letting me live with you and the boys, taking care of me, helping me when I'm at my lowest and just being there for me. Look after all the boys for me, and kiss them goodbye from me too. I'm going to miss you so so so much, but ill be happier there. I'm so sorry.

Ill always love you

Katie x'

'Mum, I'm sorry I'm such a bad daughter. You didn't want me to turn out like this. I know you would much rather a daughter who was into footie not dancing, you always wanted me to be more girlie but I refused. I'm sorry for leaving you on your own when you needed me the most, but I need this. I'll be with daddy, I'm sorry mum. I love you more than anything. All I've done is to make you proud.

Katie xxx'

'Beau, you're like my big brother and I want to thank you for that. You've always been there for me since the day I arrived, you can always make me smile even when I don't want too. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do but I can't take it anymore, you and the boys will be fine. Just keep making videos. I love you so much beau. I'll miss you

Katie <3'

'Daniel, my little germ. You've never failed to make me smile and laugh everyday, hopefully you'll continue to make people happy once I'm gone. Im sorry.. I love you bro. Ill miss you.

Katie x'

'Jai, you mean a lot to me. You're also like a brother too me and guess what? I can't thank you enough for that. I'm sorry but I must do this, everything is too much for me. I know it won't be easy but please never stop smiling. I love you Jai, never forget. Ill miss you so much. I'm sorry.

Katie x'

'James, you're the kindest person I know and I never want you to change. Please just continue to do what you do, and ill always be smiling down at you. I'm sorry. I love you James, ill miss you and your smile.

Katie x'

'Ashley, my beautiful best friend I'm so sorry. I'm going to miss you dearly but ill be in a better place. When ever you need me just look up at the stars and see how they shine for you. Ill always be with you. I love you girl

Katie x'

I took a deep breath, it was now time for me to say my goodbyes and apologies to Luke. How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm going to leave them? My tears were soaking the page below me and i was struggling to see what I was writing but I had to finish before anyone came home. My hand was shaking like mad and my writing was scruffy but I didn't care.

'Luke..

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for being such a screw up. You deserve way better than me, I don't deserve someone as great as you. You mean everything to me but I can't do it, I can't take it here anymore. You'll be fine here with everyone, please don't grieve for me I'm not worth it. Keep filming videos, it's when you're at your happiest and I love seeing you smile. Just remember that I love you and I always will, you have helped me through the darkest of times and I can't thank you enough. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, but it must be done. I'll miss you more than anything but never forget I love you more than the stars shine. I'll never forget you baby..

Katie <3<3'

I sat on my bed re-thinking my plan over and over again, I knew it was the only way to be happy. Tears were pouring down my face, I was going to miss everyone so much. I unscrewed the cap and looked at the colourful pills. As I was about to do it I heard the door.

Luke and Jai were back, shit.

I heard footsteps walking towards my room, I put all my weight and my drawers up against the door and tried to be as quiet as I could. My breathing was really heavy and making a lot of noise. There was a knock at my door and I heard Jai's voice, he asked me to move away from the door so he could get in. I refused. Luke approached the door and also asked me to move, again I refused. One of the boys went into the bathroom to get my tablets as they thought I had forgotten to take them. Noticing the note outside my bedroom door I heard cries and screams.

"NO"

The boys were now banging and kicking on my door, I couldn't take it anymore. I brought the pot of tablets up towards my mouth and just poured them all in. The sound of all the tablets falling out the pot made the boys scream and shout even louder. My tears were worse than ever, I was feeling slightly dizzy now. I slid my back down the door and fell to the floor, I hadn't lost consciousness though. Luke and Jai were able to gain entrance to my room now by pushing the drawers out the way. They found me on the floor barely moving but still awake, screaming in horror luke picked me up and held me in his arms.

"KATIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Luke screamed at me

"I want to die, I want to die" I sobbed over and over.

"IM NOT LETTING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE DIE"

Jai phoned an ambulance but it took its time to arrive.

"PLEASE HELP, MY BEST FRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL HERSELF"

Both the boys were sobbing uncontrollably, but me? I was happy, I was going to be free. I could feel myself getting sleepy, then I realised. I'm going to die.

~

I blacked out.

I woke up in a hospital bed. My attempt to be free failed.

"Katie you're awake" Gina said to me with a worried look on her face.

I gave her a faint smile and closed my eyes again, I was drifting in and out of consciousness. There was a drip in my arm and a machine monitoring my heat beat. I couldn't move or see, but I could hear.

'Why am I alive?'

That was the only thing going through my mind at this point.

I was unconscious, but I could hear everything that was happening around me.

I could hear the doctors and nurses disgusting how its lucky I am to be alive.

Urgh. I didn't want to be alive.

I also heard Gina and Jai speaking about how great full they are to have me alive.

I heard them leave the room and I heard someone else enter. I couldn't tell who it was but they grabbed my hand and kissed it.

'Katie please wake up' I heard a familiar voice say.

Luke.

He was drawing small circles on my hand with his finger, carefully minding the drip going into my hand and up my arm.

"Katie I have been thinking.."

I blacked out before I could hear what he had to say, what had he been thinking about?