he kissed the scars on my skin {janoskians fanfic}

Chapter 6

Luke and I are happier than ever, my break down was about 3 weeks ago and I feel like I'm getting better. Luke's support has gotten me through the rough days and I honestly feel like he is the glue holding me together. I've not been to work in about 4 weeks, Luke made me sign off until I was fully better. A new dance studio has opened up down the street from us, it's a public one so I go there when I need to dance. Dancing makes me feel like nothing can hurt me, it makes me who I am.

Gina works a lot so it is normally just me and the boys, but I don't mind. We're having a movie night, we always have movies nights but its great fun. The boys chose a film and we sat down, not knowing what the film was I turned the lights off and stared at the screen. When the titles were about to come on Luke asked me to get him a drink, and being the nice girlfriend I am, I got him one. I sat back down and the movie started, I had never seen the movie before so it was all new to me. The boys were smiling at each other so I knew something was up, before I had a chance to figure out what 'it' the clown appeared on the tv screen. I have a massive fear of clowns so I screamed and buried my head into Luke's shoulder. The boys were in fits of laughter at me, I lifted my head to find they had paused it right on his face just to scare me even more. As you know when Im scared or when I panic I shake, so I was shaking like mad. Tears were also streaming down my face, I hated it and I always had. Even the thought of it sends shivers down my spine. The laughter stopped when they realised I was terrified. Luke pulled me onto his knee and was 'shh' ing me to calm me down.

I must have fallen asleep on his lap or something but I woke up with a fright. All the boys were staring at me, I began to panic again. The image if the clown would not leave my head. My breathing got heavier and my shaking started again.

Panic attack.

The boys all apologised for showing me the film, but it wasn't their fault they didnt know. James and Daniel left and we all went too bed.

I couldn't sleep, so I went on twitter answered a few questions and came across a fan of the boys, she's really pretty. I dm'd her and we began speaking she told me her name was Ashley and she lived In the area and that she would love to meet me. We arranged to meet the next day. I must have woken Luke up with the light of my laptop, he turned over and told me to go to sleep. I did as I was told and turned my mac off. Luke wrapped his arms around my body and we both fell asleep again.

~

I woke up at about nine thirty as always Luke was still asleep, I slipped out of his grasp and jumped in the shower. After washing my hair and body I got out and looked at myself up and down in the mirror. I'm a disgrace. So many different emotions and thoughts were going through my head when I looked at my scar covered body. I put on some shorts and a vest and just stared at myself. I didn't want these marks anymore.

"You're so fat" I said to my reflection

The tears were welling up in my eyes, I hated myself so much but yet I wanted to live. Silently sobbing I gave myself more and more abuse.

"You're so ugly"

I heard a shuffling noise from behind me, I turned around to see the bathroom door slightly open and Gina standing there. Oh no.

"Katie, you're beautiful sweetie"

I smiled and hugged Gina, I loved her so much!! She was like a second mother to me, she is always there when I need her and I can tell her anything.

I wiped my eyes and walked through to find my gorgeous boyfriend sat up on my bed, I smiled at him and climbed onto the bed. Luke gave me a quick peck on the lips before pulling me into a big hug. I love our hugs.

"Morning handsome" I grinned

"Hey baby, are you okay? You look like you've been crying?"

Sighed at turned away from Luke, he crawled over beside me and asked me again, I didn't know what to say? I couldn't tell the boy I love that I hate myself.

" i just feel ugly"

Luke's face dropped, he seemed shocked by what I had just said. He put his hand on my cheek and kissed me passionately.

"You're gorgeous!!" He basically shouted at me

"Maybe to you, not to me"

I walked out of the room and made my way to the kitchen, Jai was standing there pouring some milk. So I took the opportunity to scare him. I crept up behind him and put my hands over his eyes.

"DON'T SAY A WORD AND NO ONE GETS HURT" I whispered in his ear

"GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE"

Jai swung round nearly hitting me in the face, he noticed it was me and scowled. I was In fits of laughter for ages. After all the fun I got out a bowl and spoon, cereal and milk and had some breakfast. When I was done I walked back through to my room to choose my outfit for today.

'Hrm, decisions' I thought to myself.

Eventually I chose some wet look leggings, a green vest top and my leather jacket. It wasn't the warmest of days so it would do. I had arranged to meet Ashley at the local cafe for coffee. I wasn't much of a make up person so I put on a bit of concealer and a quick flick of eyeliner and put my long blonde hair up in a bun. I kissed Luke goodbye and left the house to meet my 'fan'. I arrived at the cafe just after 12 to find Ashley sitting at the far away table. As I walked towards her she jumped off her seat and ran towards me giving me a small but cute hug. We ordered our drinks and sat down, we were in that cafe for about 2 hours speaking about our lives. It was a good day. We swapped numbers and began texting as soon as we left each other. I think Ashley is the only girl I have ever really spoke to here in Melbourne. I mainly stuck with the boys, the girls at my work didn't pay much attention to me anyway.

~

Ashley and I are really good friends now. I introduced her to the boys and I could tell she had a thing for James. I was praying they would get together and they did.

Ashley was tall, slim and so beautiful. I felt so self conscious around her even though she is my best friend. It just made me hate myself even more. My strength was slowly fading away and I was getting weaker.

My depression was back.

Gina took me to the local doctors and got me more medication and things. I also have to go to therapy to help with my panic attacks and confidence, Luke always comes with me to my therapy and helps me so much. Without him I wouldn't be here.