Let Yourself Fall

four

Noelle

I end the call and smile to myself.

It's 4 am.

I can't believe we talked for that long.

He  was on the phone when I was taking a bath, and after begging me for 5  minutes to let him come over and help me, he eventually gave up, and we  just talked. Talking with him is so effortless.

After two hours, I made a mistake, though. I was searching for a hammer to hang up my new painting when I saw it...

In the back of a drawer, a picture.

A picture of her.

After that, I needed a distraction.

For hours, I didn't have to think about her, but now?

I'm lying alone in my dark bedroom, and I can't help it.

My thoughts drift to her.

The  thing is, when even the one person who is supposed to love you and be  there for you no matter what chooses somebody else before you... When  you think you've finally found someone who loves you after spending your  life not being loved and being alone, and then he betrays you, taking  away your last hope of not spending your life alone without love or  light... How are you supposed to trust anyone else?

In the end, when people find something better or get what they want, they'll leave you.

My  dad died when I was 8, and two years after that, my mom, Susie, got  remarried. I was over the moon. I thought I would finally have a family  again. I thought my mom would be happy again. Maybe she would stop  looking at me like I was the worst thing that could have ever happened  to her. I was like a little female version of my dad. It killed my mom  to even look at me.

I thought everything would be okay.

So when she told me she wanted to start a family with Ed Peters, I didn't expect that I wouldn't be a part of that plan.

She  had her new husband, her newborn baby boy Ashton – and the daughter of  her deceased husband didn't fit into her perfect little picture.

I was just a constant, terrible reminder of her past.

I  had a home, but not really. I had a mom, but not really. I was just  there, kind of existing. And every now and then, when I made a wrong  move, when I reminded my stepdad of the pain I caused my mom every  single day, and that he had to take care of a little brat he didn't even  want, he would make me pay for it.

At the age of 8, I didn't just  lose my dad, but my mom as well. I had to learn how to take care of  myself and not draw too much attention.

I spent most of my time hiding in my room, dreaming about a better life, waiting for the day when my life would finally change.

But Finn was always there for me.

He  was there when my dad died. I could stay with him and his parents when  my mom had her dream wedding and I wasn't even invited. He helped me  find my first job, he helped me study. He was there when I was in  trouble. He was there when I had the wrong friends and made terrible  choices. He was there that night.

You could say I didn't truly start living until I was 16. I was merely existing.

And sometimes, something terrible has to happen to get you moving and finally take control of your own life.

It happened sooner than I had expected.

07.11.2009 – The day of my sixteenth birthday.